Reality Check...Part II...

May 6:th 2008...Tuesday morning...7:31AM...go figure...

This last week has been so weird...in many ways...I have hit the bottom once again...and, yet, I had some great times...and all these feelings within' minutes from each other...

I enjoy hang around with my friends...but, to break down right in front of them...that's scary in some ways...well, I rather break down in front of my friends than someone I don't know...so...

So many feelings going through at the same time when it happens...but, mostly it's the "non-action", "in-activity", "nothing" that kills me...the big stand still...when things are going nowhere fast...the thoughts are spinning around, and you start to make out your own story of the things you see around you, but nothing is really for real...it's just imagination...echo in your head, making you go crazy...and, that's when it's time to leave the party...if there ever was one...

I have not been going out for walks so much in a long time as I have the last days...cleans up your mind pretty good...especially when the iPod is cranked up...Social Distortion is clearing up my mind...Mike Ness is singing songs that you can relate too...and songs that I wanna write about, but, that he's already done...

Anyways...the last 2 days has been really positive...or, felt good...or great...nothing to be down about...just happy...but, not in that typical happy way...more like, things are clearing up in my head at the moment (or for a change)...and, that makes me feel better and be in a better mood, than I have in the past weeks...

It's difficult to focus on something good when all you see is black and dissapointments and anger and feelings that you're alone (when in reality, you're not)...maybe it's just difficult for my friends to show that they care about me, in a way so that I understand...not, that they don't do it already, but, they're doing it in different ways, that surpasses me...and my way of thinking is probably different from others, and more difficult to understand...and, so, that's maybe why their way of showing their "love and affection" for me, doesn't affect me at all...

I miss the "touch & feel" part of the friendship, that spontaneus "I like you squeeze"...shared especially among friends that are close to each other...I like touching when talking or spending time with friends, but, it's one-way...hmmm...I guess that could be a another anxiety-provoking act in my register...seeing my friends sharing that part...and there's another part that I feel left out of...and, just becuz I feel it's one-way, I start to pull back my own touches...getting more withdrawn becuz of that...

I don't like being withdrawn...I try to break out from my silence...but whatever holds me back, is doing a damn good job at that...hope they get fired soon...so I can go back being "normal"...whatever that is...?

Still...Out of those pills...but, damn could they do miracles now...maybe...become a pill addict...a new problem arising...yay...

Anyways...

Reality Check...Part I...

May 2 2008...3:17AM Friday Morning...

Hate...

Not depressed...but, just this "not so cool" feeling inside of me right now...like, I should've done something else anyways, becuz, I feel I was cheated out on what I was originally supposed to do...

There is nothing that can replace this very feeling right now...or...maybe there is...but...that is just a long-lost wish unfullfillment...keep on dreaming...words, but no action...

Alone...

I will never get rid of this feeling...it's something I will carry with me for as long as I have the will to hang around...and right now I just feel like; fuck everything...

The mission is on, but never fully accomplished...

Today was an...not a good day...after all...becuz I missed out on something...

I fucking love my music...and I let music down for this one time...and it's fucking bringing me down hardcore right now...I will and won't NEVER!!!!!!!!! do that again...what ever fucking distractions or other temptations there is for offer...becuz...that's just words...and, whatever people say...it won't ever happen...and I fell for it this one time...but, it won't happen again...and I won't fucking care whatever the case may be...I go alone...by myself...as always...I'm a looner...I'll always be by myself...nobody fucking cares...why should they...?

Friends...

I hope they know that I love them, cuz, I do...they are very important to me...after all...but, I need help, I cannot do this by myself...seems sometimes like I'm on a lower level when it comes to depression and how to solve it...I've lived with it for such a long time already...but, seems I'm in the wrong generation...the X Generation...we're supposed to be fucked up...and we are...with the difference that the later generations has the balls to seek for help in time...

Depression...

I can put a specific date on this one...April 8:th...1994...right after around 4.00PM...my fucking world came crashing down...and I haven't really been back up again after that...

Even though my earlier years, with school and everything has been tough and so, I always felt like an outcast...alone...I never belonged...I will never belong...no one will ever belong in the same level as I...selfish...mmmm...

That date is stuck in my head forever and ever...I was gaming with my friend...I was one of those game-o-holics...and I think I even remember WHAT we played...Championship Manager 92/93 (or similar year)...soccer management game...just something we did every now and then...gaming...

This specific date changed the way I used to be and what I became...

Parents came home...evening papers with them...and, the first thing they say when they come in to the room:
- I guess there won't be a concert...(I remember this very sentence so fucking clearly, it's like it was said 2 minutes ago)...

I was like a question mark...WTF...???...and I saw the evening papers:
"Rockstar found dead"...in huge letters on the frontpage...and a picture right next to them...

I died that very moment...approx 4:15PM that very day...

My friends comment:
- Oh well...

My mind was numb...we tried to return to whatever wwe we're doing a moment ago...and I went:
- I need to get the fuck out of here...I cannot do this right now...I need to get out...

For the first time in my life, I asked my "second-dad" for the car-keys...and, he gave them to me...just like that...and I brought with me a bunch of tapes...and when I got down into the car...I fucking crancked that stereo to the "BLAST MY EAR OFF"-level...while taking my friends car back home...

We we're cruising around the town that evening...me, numb, just empty, no feelings...just pure anger...I was even fed up with my friend...so much that was locked inside of me that evening that started to slowly pour out of me for the first time in my life...

I didn't buy music for 3 full months that year...but, right after that summer...that's when it started for real...the fucking parties...I poured in so much alcohol in me, I started to crave parties or alcohol every fucking weekend...I hated the white weekends...I was an fucking alcoholic at the very end of the line...it didn't matter what it was...I was drinking it...puking it...getting re-fills...re-pukes...just fucking going nuts most of the time...I don't even remember some of those evenings...but, people have told me that I was wasted as fuck some days...

Fall of 94 and the whole 1995...just fucking alcohol...and the other thing I started to waste my money on was CD's...but, funnily enough...the concerts...those I did attend by myself...as always...

Those times we're fun...on and off...but, even then I felt outside at most events...I didn't belong...I never have...I never will...

I picked up the guitar Fall of 1994...

But...who cared...?

Self gratification...not fun...but only way to get your kicks out occasionally...

My fucking life in a nutshell...when does it turn to the better...?
I'm tired of getting out and push my life on to better places...I need a fucking rest...

I got too much to rant about...way too much...this isn't even the bottom of the fucking iceberg...

I need to get me a fuck...a good fuck...an oxytocin-kick...

Nowhere in sight...

Alone...with my hate and depression...

Like always...

Social Distortion

2 May 2008...3:04 AM...Friday morning...

Footprints On My Ceiling

Everybody wants a lover
Nobody wants to uncover
What may lay deep beneath a sometimes painful past
Wanna go without a care
Pull gardenias from her hair
I think of a time we didn’t have a care in the world
Captivated by her beauty I knew it was my life long duty
She had all the grace and charm of a radiant queen

Chorus:
How do you talk without speaking? Yea
How do you hear without listening?
How do you live without feeling? Yea
How do you take without giving?
We keep it all inside?

There are footprints on my ceiling
I can’t help this fucked up feeling
Something’s wrong, you ain’t comin’ around here no more
Try to get my thoughts together
I think of a time when things were better
This miscommunication is breaking me down

Chorus:
How do you talk without speaking? Yea
How do you hear without listening?
How do you live without feeling? Yea
How do you take without giving?
How you treat your new best friend?
Everybody wants a lover

Nobody wants to uncover
What may lay deep beneath a sometimes painful past
My heart is heavy slowly sinking
I redirect my desperate thinking
And kiss her red full lips like I did the very first time

Chorus:
How do you talk without speaking? Yea
How do you hear without listening?
How do you live without feeling? Yea
How do you take without giving?
There are footprints on my ceiling yea
And I kept it bottled up inside
All my life