I Don't Belong Here...

17/1 -08...7:25AM...Thursday morning...

Absolutely nothing to write about...but, hey...

My mind is on repeat all the time...going over things over and over and over again...I cannot shut it down...I wonder if that's one of the reasons I've been having headaches the last week...(Yeah, it's still on, a week later)...

When I finally think I've gone through everything, it starts all over again...I feel stuck on repeat...no wonder I get wasted as soon as possible...and even getting stronger and stronger drinks for everytime...just so I can kill off whatever is going on in my mind...

Filling my head with noize (music) helps for a while as well...I just need a total reboot...which I thought that I already went through...and, which I probably did...but, my mind got filled up again in a split second...with other crap, that I need to get out now...and, hopefully after that, it'll be silent...total silence...no nothing...nothing at all...just...silence...

I'm still scared that I will end up doing something that is wrong...since, these thoughts occupy my mind from time to time...not as strong as before...but, it's enough that they're still there...

At this point in my life...I'd like to have somebody to hold on to, someone to love...but, I also need a friend, someone to rely on to...somebody I know will be there when I'm down, or even when I'm in a better mood (which doesn't happen too often)...I miss hanging out with a true "soulmate-friend"...listen to music...going to concerts...going to movies...laugh...share the good with bad and the other way around...almost like being a couple, but, then again, not...

I'm tired of getting hurt already...being around these things that I don't like to see...stuff that hurts the inner me...or just makes me shut out everybody that's near me when that happens...ignorance is bliss...(?)...

This happened just a few days ago...I didn't belong...I never belonged...never have, never will...I feel like the outcast...no, I felt like the outcast...that everyone was pointing and laughing at...not a funny feeling...I've gone through this shit for over 25 years already...

...and, even when I'm with people who's supposed to be my friends...I get that feeling...that "how does it feel to be you?"..."how does it feel to be over there?"..."how does it feel to be a nothing?"...

I just don't have anything to share when it comes to certain things...my communication skills are really crappy...I cannot step in and go at it without starting to stutter...without stumbling over words...especially if it's about a subject I'm not familiar with or that I'm not even remotely interested in...that's a point when I zone out and go somewhere else in my mind...day dreaming...

...and, I shut everything out...and, I've been caught day dreaming many times, when I got a question and I haven't reacted to whatever was asked from me...even though I sit next to whoever asked...

If you can't keep me interested with your talk or whatever, I go somewhere else where I can keep myself entertained...my inner mind...done it so many times already...

"Why don't we just talk about music...?, that's one of the only things that I'm really good at"...

No, I'm no OK-Alright right now...

Laters...

Fucking Headache...

9/1 -08...2:49AM...Wednesday morning...

OK, I've had this fucking headache for 3 fucking days now...and, it just fucking started again...I'm drinking, but, I got to kill this fucking pain...so, I just had to take pills for it...nice combination...I wish I had some fucking real painkillers available...

Fuck Migraine...like, totally...worthless piece of crap...ain't doing no good in my life...

I've tried to kill off other things in my life the last week, and, i'm still working on it...painful, but, hey...I just can't deal with the situation anymore, so, this is my solution...wherever it might lead and take me...

Fake a smile and go on with your life...

I'm fed up with all this pain already...I dunno...haven't I suffered enough already...can't I just fucking get a break already...self pitiness...fucking bull crap...hate is a strong word, but, it seems to be my closest friend at the moment...kick the shit out of me...is that the best you can do...? Fucking bring it on already...shit...hurt me...I can't feel a thing...I'm fucking numb already from the previous forms of pain I've been through...

How much more can I take...time will tell...if I let time run it's course, that is...I just might finnish it off any day now...just to piss everyone off...

Fuck it...laters...