Reality Check...Part II...

May 6:th 2008...Tuesday morning...7:31AM...go figure...

This last week has been so weird...in many ways...I have hit the bottom once again...and, yet, I had some great times...and all these feelings within' minutes from each other...

I enjoy hang around with my friends...but, to break down right in front of them...that's scary in some ways...well, I rather break down in front of my friends than someone I don't know...so...

So many feelings going through at the same time when it happens...but, mostly it's the "non-action", "in-activity", "nothing" that kills me...the big stand still...when things are going nowhere fast...the thoughts are spinning around, and you start to make out your own story of the things you see around you, but nothing is really for real...it's just imagination...echo in your head, making you go crazy...and, that's when it's time to leave the party...if there ever was one...

I have not been going out for walks so much in a long time as I have the last days...cleans up your mind pretty good...especially when the iPod is cranked up...Social Distortion is clearing up my mind...Mike Ness is singing songs that you can relate too...and songs that I wanna write about, but, that he's already done...

Anyways...the last 2 days has been really positive...or, felt good...or great...nothing to be down about...just happy...but, not in that typical happy way...more like, things are clearing up in my head at the moment (or for a change)...and, that makes me feel better and be in a better mood, than I have in the past weeks...

It's difficult to focus on something good when all you see is black and dissapointments and anger and feelings that you're alone (when in reality, you're not)...maybe it's just difficult for my friends to show that they care about me, in a way so that I understand...not, that they don't do it already, but, they're doing it in different ways, that surpasses me...and my way of thinking is probably different from others, and more difficult to understand...and, so, that's maybe why their way of showing their "love and affection" for me, doesn't affect me at all...

I miss the "touch & feel" part of the friendship, that spontaneus "I like you squeeze"...shared especially among friends that are close to each other...I like touching when talking or spending time with friends, but, it's one-way...hmmm...I guess that could be a another anxiety-provoking act in my register...seeing my friends sharing that part...and there's another part that I feel left out of...and, just becuz I feel it's one-way, I start to pull back my own touches...getting more withdrawn becuz of that...

I don't like being withdrawn...I try to break out from my silence...but whatever holds me back, is doing a damn good job at that...hope they get fired soon...so I can go back being "normal"...whatever that is...?

Still...Out of those pills...but, damn could they do miracles now...maybe...become a pill addict...a new problem arising...yay...

Anyways...

Echo in my Head

22/2 -08...3:28AM...Friday morning...

At the Drive-In blasting out...Rolodex Propaganda...

Saw The Von Bondies on February 7:th...really intense rockshow...

Saw The Cure on February 9:th...beautiful and strange show...but nevertheless great...

It's been a while since the last blog...I really haven't had anything worth saying...it's like a hollow echo in my head...I can't put words to it...feels weird doing that...

I've been hanging out with some new friends the last weeks, and it feels like we know each other so well already, even though we haven't met that many times yet...it's just the weird connection that we have, from the very get-go...like we knew each other way before...feels great to have something new to hold on to...

The old friends...well...we're still good friends...but, I feel we're about to fade away from each other...day-by-day...week-by-week...and the few times we finally do hook up, we have a great fun time...but...I dunno...it feels weird...like, they're just people...not friends...hmmm...

My door has always been open for everyone...and to whomever wants to come over and hang out at my joint...now...the fun part about that, is that I've had about...zero visits the last year...or, well, since last summer (of -07)...but, I've been over to my "friends" places quite a few times...I can't make up the correct calculation here...that 50/50 part is more like 2/98 for my part...

I don't even know how to handle an unexpected guest, since I've never had one...you grow with experience...it's hard to get it when there's nothing to gain experience out of...

Now...my new friends, that I've hang'd out with that last weeks, they said that they wanna come over to my place one day...It was like a shock through my system...like, I didn't know what to say..."Who wants to come over to my place?"...Do they care that much...?

I'm always suspicious of people and their behaviour...but, I have a positive feeling about my new friends...seems like they are people who care about and value new friendships...and the fact that they told me that "We've met some strange people sometimes, but, you're cool"...

I guess I'm overdosed by positive energy suddenly...love-bombing...of some sort...that I'm not used to from previous experiences/friendships...or...it was just too long ago since last time...

I dunno...I'm overwhelmed or something...hmmmm...

Laters...