Communication Breakdown

Monday...March the 31:st...08:20AM...

Somehow I felt like crap again a few hours ago...I think it's gone over by now, feels better...but, I feel kinda fed up with everything right now for some weird reason...just wanna get away from this...but I have nowhere to go, becuz the other places brings up backward memories too...that's gonna mess up my mind even more...and, that's exactly what I'm trying to avoid...

I'm going through some jealousness and trust issues right now...and I feel unfocused yet again...so much going on, but, I just don't seem to have the will or strength to care enough about all the things, that should be most important in my life at this point...

I feel stuck right now...feels weird...going nowhere fast...

Scorching the net...

I finally got hold on all of the "more official" releases of Heatmiser...excluding the few singles they released...but, I got all the 3 full length albums and 2 EPs they released...well, one of the EPs (casette) was ony sold on their shows, but, anyways...

I also found Radioheads first project, On A Friday, and their 3 first demos they released back in 1988, 1990 and 1991...sounds very different from what they finally would become known for...even though some of the songs has that creepy Radiohead vibe...intresting...

I'm kinda fed up with the "big name bands", except for a few ones (Radiohead, duh), so I've been trying to find new (old) smaller (more unknown) bands to like and listen too...and I've found quite a bunch...at least a song or two, from everyone, are really great...

Lichter, Fotos, Pale Saints, Verbal Abuse, Blitzen Trapper, Colour Revolt, The Notwist...just to name a few, or at least, last weeks findings...

Hmmm...well, I think that's enough for now...fixing to get wasted later tonight...yeah...sounds like a plan...burn up some more braincells...what's the use...hmmm...

Laters...

Dead Rockstars sings Happy Songs...Not...

8:46PM Sunday evening...

One more night to go of my 6 night stint at work...and my back and especially my shoulders are in pain...I wouldn't say no to an hardcore backrub at this point...
The monotony kills me...same thing over and over again...no nothing new at all...boredom takes over...you do all the things you have to accomplish at work, in your sleep...like an walking zombie...you are there, but then again, you're somewhere else at the same time...

Heatmiser playing on the comp now...I've had my first real overdose of Elliott Smith related stuff in the last days...and, it doesn't look to fade away any time soon...yet...that is...cuz, suddenly I can find something totally different that I'm into for a few days before the next music discover...and so on...but, for now it's Elliott who holds the number one spot...for the time being that is...cuz, just a few weeks ago, I was hardcore into The Cure...like, OVERDOSE-mood...

...and I still have CD's to go through that I bought earlier this week...sometimes they just lay there...for weeks...even months, before I finally go through them...and, I tend to buy CD's even though I have a bunch to go through that are just laying there...collecting dust...but, I've been good the last days and went through a bunch and now I got some kind of control over the situation again...

Well, since the work has been taking over my life for the past few days, my mood has not been improving a lot...the wait between waking up and going to work is boring and that tears up my mind in bits and pieces as well...I just need something that can get my spirits back up again...cuz, they are kinda "all time low" right now...nothing seems to be fun or anything at all...I feel dead inside...like someone pulled out something inside of me...just that emptiness that I can't fill with anything at this point...whatever it might be that I try to fill it with...
It's just...empty...lonely...hollow...nothing...nothing at all...

Listening to dead rockstars might not be improving the situation at all...since most of the lyrics they sang, when alive, were about misery and loneliness and emptiness...not that uplifting messages really...but, I just don't feel like listening to "happy cheer up" music right now...well, not anything like "come on boys and girls, and lets party"-music...that would put me further down the downward spiral I'm on right now...

Man, I try to hang on...but it's hard...I've been doing this for so long now...like, fuck, give me a break already...shit...isn't enough enough, no...? I guess not...

I guess I'm gonna cut it right here before I dig myself further down somewhere I don't wanna be at the moment...

Laters...

Random Music Rant

I just recieved an e-mail from my X-wife with a bunch of new songs of her fave band Vallejo (from Texas)...I have to say that their music is really appealing, since it's feel good party music and you just can't be down when listening to them...impossible...

Otherwise I've been listening to Nick Drakes 3 albums tonight, back-to-back (and I listened to the newly released album "Family Tree" yesterday night)...very mellow songs...and some songs feels unfinnished, like ideas he never fully developed into real songs...but still released among his original album outputs...very punk, if you ask me...

I've been going through an album with The Fall as well, UK-based post-punkish noize band (early 80:ies)...later 80:ies a lil more poppier...intresting stuff...Mark E. Smith (Singer and the only original member) has a very a-tonal (slightly nasal) voice when he sings the songs...intresting, I remember seeing them on MTV (when it was good) in the mid-late 80:ies and their weird videos that went along with these songs...

I've been downloading Elliott Smiths catalouge, as well as his Heatmiser stuff (hard to find)...and I'm gonna spend the next few days going through his heartbreaking songs...
Actually listening to Heatmiser right now, Mic City Sons-album...and it sounds great....not really punk, but very edgy so far...a lil dirtier form of acoustic rock...love it...awesome...

I can't wait to find new favourite songs to like and love...(goes for everything)...and to just share them with my friends while we're just hanging aorund and listen to these songs as you analyze them into bits of why they're so good or bad or whatever...I like to hear new/old songs that I haven't heard before (or forgot about) and to just wonder why this very song makes my world turn upside down and back again...in just a few minutes...

I dunno, I should be going to sleep already...it's 6AM Tuesday morning...got to work this evening again...and I want to have a lil daytime for me to enjoy...
...and not like yesterday morning, going to bed 9AM and waking up at 6PM (when waking up first at around 3PM and thinking "I'm just gonna chill a minute" and 3 hours passes in no time, geez)...and the day is gone...and that was 12 hours ago I got up...so...I had my share of "daytime" tonight...backwards...

Anyways...I think I'm done for now...hope you enjoyed the rant...