Reality Check...Part I...

May 2 2008...3:17AM Friday Morning...

Hate...

Not depressed...but, just this "not so cool" feeling inside of me right now...like, I should've done something else anyways, becuz, I feel I was cheated out on what I was originally supposed to do...

There is nothing that can replace this very feeling right now...or...maybe there is...but...that is just a long-lost wish unfullfillment...keep on dreaming...words, but no action...

Alone...

I will never get rid of this feeling...it's something I will carry with me for as long as I have the will to hang around...and right now I just feel like; fuck everything...

The mission is on, but never fully accomplished...

Today was an...not a good day...after all...becuz I missed out on something...

I fucking love my music...and I let music down for this one time...and it's fucking bringing me down hardcore right now...I will and won't NEVER!!!!!!!!! do that again...what ever fucking distractions or other temptations there is for offer...becuz...that's just words...and, whatever people say...it won't ever happen...and I fell for it this one time...but, it won't happen again...and I won't fucking care whatever the case may be...I go alone...by myself...as always...I'm a looner...I'll always be by myself...nobody fucking cares...why should they...?

Friends...

I hope they know that I love them, cuz, I do...they are very important to me...after all...but, I need help, I cannot do this by myself...seems sometimes like I'm on a lower level when it comes to depression and how to solve it...I've lived with it for such a long time already...but, seems I'm in the wrong generation...the X Generation...we're supposed to be fucked up...and we are...with the difference that the later generations has the balls to seek for help in time...

Depression...

I can put a specific date on this one...April 8:th...1994...right after around 4.00PM...my fucking world came crashing down...and I haven't really been back up again after that...

Even though my earlier years, with school and everything has been tough and so, I always felt like an outcast...alone...I never belonged...I will never belong...no one will ever belong in the same level as I...selfish...mmmm...

That date is stuck in my head forever and ever...I was gaming with my friend...I was one of those game-o-holics...and I think I even remember WHAT we played...Championship Manager 92/93 (or similar year)...soccer management game...just something we did every now and then...gaming...

This specific date changed the way I used to be and what I became...

Parents came home...evening papers with them...and, the first thing they say when they come in to the room:
- I guess there won't be a concert...(I remember this very sentence so fucking clearly, it's like it was said 2 minutes ago)...

I was like a question mark...WTF...???...and I saw the evening papers:
"Rockstar found dead"...in huge letters on the frontpage...and a picture right next to them...

I died that very moment...approx 4:15PM that very day...

My friends comment:
- Oh well...

My mind was numb...we tried to return to whatever wwe we're doing a moment ago...and I went:
- I need to get the fuck out of here...I cannot do this right now...I need to get out...

For the first time in my life, I asked my "second-dad" for the car-keys...and, he gave them to me...just like that...and I brought with me a bunch of tapes...and when I got down into the car...I fucking crancked that stereo to the "BLAST MY EAR OFF"-level...while taking my friends car back home...

We we're cruising around the town that evening...me, numb, just empty, no feelings...just pure anger...I was even fed up with my friend...so much that was locked inside of me that evening that started to slowly pour out of me for the first time in my life...

I didn't buy music for 3 full months that year...but, right after that summer...that's when it started for real...the fucking parties...I poured in so much alcohol in me, I started to crave parties or alcohol every fucking weekend...I hated the white weekends...I was an fucking alcoholic at the very end of the line...it didn't matter what it was...I was drinking it...puking it...getting re-fills...re-pukes...just fucking going nuts most of the time...I don't even remember some of those evenings...but, people have told me that I was wasted as fuck some days...

Fall of 94 and the whole 1995...just fucking alcohol...and the other thing I started to waste my money on was CD's...but, funnily enough...the concerts...those I did attend by myself...as always...

Those times we're fun...on and off...but, even then I felt outside at most events...I didn't belong...I never have...I never will...

I picked up the guitar Fall of 1994...

But...who cared...?

Self gratification...not fun...but only way to get your kicks out occasionally...

My fucking life in a nutshell...when does it turn to the better...?
I'm tired of getting out and push my life on to better places...I need a fucking rest...

I got too much to rant about...way too much...this isn't even the bottom of the fucking iceberg...

I need to get me a fuck...a good fuck...an oxytocin-kick...

Nowhere in sight...

Alone...with my hate and depression...

Like always...

Nameless...

Sunday morning...March 16:th...5:57AM...

That emptiness has reached me yet again...that "why bother" feeling...that "alone" feeling...

Words...don't reach the destination, they just seem to pass by the final station...further on...beyond the point of reach...and then...all the way down...into a black hollow hole...

Alone...

....

Echo in my Head

22/2 -08...3:28AM...Friday morning...

At the Drive-In blasting out...Rolodex Propaganda...

Saw The Von Bondies on February 7:th...really intense rockshow...

Saw The Cure on February 9:th...beautiful and strange show...but nevertheless great...

It's been a while since the last blog...I really haven't had anything worth saying...it's like a hollow echo in my head...I can't put words to it...feels weird doing that...

I've been hanging out with some new friends the last weeks, and it feels like we know each other so well already, even though we haven't met that many times yet...it's just the weird connection that we have, from the very get-go...like we knew each other way before...feels great to have something new to hold on to...

The old friends...well...we're still good friends...but, I feel we're about to fade away from each other...day-by-day...week-by-week...and the few times we finally do hook up, we have a great fun time...but...I dunno...it feels weird...like, they're just people...not friends...hmmm...

My door has always been open for everyone...and to whomever wants to come over and hang out at my joint...now...the fun part about that, is that I've had about...zero visits the last year...or, well, since last summer (of -07)...but, I've been over to my "friends" places quite a few times...I can't make up the correct calculation here...that 50/50 part is more like 2/98 for my part...

I don't even know how to handle an unexpected guest, since I've never had one...you grow with experience...it's hard to get it when there's nothing to gain experience out of...

Now...my new friends, that I've hang'd out with that last weeks, they said that they wanna come over to my place one day...It was like a shock through my system...like, I didn't know what to say..."Who wants to come over to my place?"...Do they care that much...?

I'm always suspicious of people and their behaviour...but, I have a positive feeling about my new friends...seems like they are people who care about and value new friendships...and the fact that they told me that "We've met some strange people sometimes, but, you're cool"...

I guess I'm overdosed by positive energy suddenly...love-bombing...of some sort...that I'm not used to from previous experiences/friendships...or...it was just too long ago since last time...

I dunno...I'm overwhelmed or something...hmmmm...

Laters...

Alone with Friends

0:22AM...Thursday morning...

Hmmm...I had a lil down some moments ago (actually still have)...I dunno how long I can handle being alone anymore...I need to redirect my energy towards something that isn't there yet...the energy is lingering around me right now, I'm suffocating and can't beat the demons out of my head...not until I can focus on something else...re-gain some power from a positive source, somebody who's ready to devote a part of her life to me...I need positive energy...soon...

Friends are OK...but, it isn't enough, not for me...not right now...I figured that part out just a few hours ago...being there with people you call friends, but, I just felt so alone, so empty, so nothing...nothing at all...I friggin suffered those few hours...I went to my own world...just faded out...no focus...alone...just so the time would pass faster...

I could've left any moment...I thought about it, to just leave...like that...but, that's like bailing out...not fighting against your problems...so, I stayed...and suffered...a few laughs...but, no...they felt so made-up...so, "I guess I have to show some emotions so that they think I'm listening"...I wasn't...I was in my own world...blurry...unfocused...I traveled away...just so that I could survive that last hour...

Man, it's fucked up...

Then again...when people start talking about things I don't have any connection with, that's what I do...go somewhere else...maybe I'll leave for real next time...we'll see...

Hmmm...I dunno...

Laters...