Do The Elevator

0:00AM...Friday morning (?)...midnight anyways...

...and we're back down again for a change...

Sometimes I just don't get it...why my mood keeps fucking up my mind all this fucking time...it pisses me off...for real...I just wanna have a couple of months in straight, where I feel alive, but, no, not me...I'm the fucking specail case who's gonna walk this fucking life feeling miserable and down all the time...no matter what...no matter if I win the friggin lottery tomorrow...or I get an own day, and I get everything I point at, for free...well, you get the idea...the point being, even with these "lucky things" on my side, I bet all that crap I just got/won, that somehow my day is gonna be spoiled anyways...that I won't have strength enough to smile and be glad over what I got...I just don't feel like being happy right now...even though I really don't have anything to be "down" over...not at this point in my life...

You know...my mood the last weeks has been like an elevator ride...you go up, then you come back down...then you get stuck between 2 floors...and then you go down again, just becuz...and then back up...and then the whole procedure starts all over again...from the bottom...and it keeps repeating over and over and over again....'til I go mad...or something...

Sometimes I feel so fake...like I'm pretending this life thru...not living this life...but pretending...
Yet, I am me...I've never tried to be something that I am not...cuz, I just don't seem to like people who are trying to be something that they're not...and, yet I feel like my life is just a facade...like, I've built a decorative outside for you to look at...but, that's not the real me...that's the fake me...cuz, I'm scared for you to get to know the real me...I am scared to look into myself at times too...I just don't know what I'm gonna find inside of me...it's dark...it's pitch black hollow dark in there...

I had 3 great days...more or less starting on Saturday morning and onward...and, Tuesday was one of the last better mood days...and Wednesday it slowly shifted back...and Thursday it just crashed inside of me...and right now I just don't feel like doing a shit...and THAT kills me as well...cuz I'm off work and everything, I should be out doing stuff and so...but, I just don't have the desire to do all that, right now...

...

Ludovico Einaudi...fucking brilliant artist...so beautiful...so sad...at the same time...I never thought I would sit and listen to someone playing classical piano and like it...this guy is so into the dark world with his music, it's scary...he only plays sad notes...but, he makes them sound so beautiful...and all this becuz of me watching This is England the other night...the end score (where the end titles comes up) is by this guy, "Dietro Casa"...and there's even a few more tracks of him hidden throughout the movie...that I didn't recognize until I saw and heard the soundtrack...2 great discoveries in one weeks time...this and The Butterfly Explosion...

The thing being, he doesn't sing at all...the songs are all instrumentals...he lets the music tell the story for you instead...and, it's up to you what the songs are about...in the long run...mostly it's just him and the piano...in some tracks he has incorporated a more classical approach with the violins and trombones in the background...and even an electric guitar in some places...but, mostly it's just him and the piano...on their own...

Massive rant...I'll just cut this one right here...

Laters...