Communication Breakdown

Monday...March the 31:st...08:20AM...

Somehow I felt like crap again a few hours ago...I think it's gone over by now, feels better...but, I feel kinda fed up with everything right now for some weird reason...just wanna get away from this...but I have nowhere to go, becuz the other places brings up backward memories too...that's gonna mess up my mind even more...and, that's exactly what I'm trying to avoid...

I'm going through some jealousness and trust issues right now...and I feel unfocused yet again...so much going on, but, I just don't seem to have the will or strength to care enough about all the things, that should be most important in my life at this point...

I feel stuck right now...feels weird...going nowhere fast...

Scorching the net...

I finally got hold on all of the "more official" releases of Heatmiser...excluding the few singles they released...but, I got all the 3 full length albums and 2 EPs they released...well, one of the EPs (casette) was ony sold on their shows, but, anyways...

I also found Radioheads first project, On A Friday, and their 3 first demos they released back in 1988, 1990 and 1991...sounds very different from what they finally would become known for...even though some of the songs has that creepy Radiohead vibe...intresting...

I'm kinda fed up with the "big name bands", except for a few ones (Radiohead, duh), so I've been trying to find new (old) smaller (more unknown) bands to like and listen too...and I've found quite a bunch...at least a song or two, from everyone, are really great...

Lichter, Fotos, Pale Saints, Verbal Abuse, Blitzen Trapper, Colour Revolt, The Notwist...just to name a few, or at least, last weeks findings...

Hmmm...well, I think that's enough for now...fixing to get wasted later tonight...yeah...sounds like a plan...burn up some more braincells...what's the use...hmmm...

Laters...

Dead Tired

Sunday...March the 23:rd...09:54PM...

So, the other day (Sat morn. 22nd March), I finally went to bed earlier than usual, just so I could wake up and have a few extra hours to spare, before going to work...I went to bed at 07:00AM...(yeah, in the morning, I work nights, so)...and thought, well, I should be able to get up at 03:00PM and be well rested and have way over 6 hours before going to work...

I got up 06:30PM...dead fuckin tired...I could've slept much much longer...I had to finally force myself out of bed...and, I kept sleeping, while up...in the shower...when having my breakfast...even when driving to work...just kept yawning for no apparent reason at all...besides being tired as hell...not even the friggin energydrink helped...

I've been like this before...in the school...20 years ago, just tired all the time...even for a long period after that...with some good periods when I actually feel well-rested...

I think I can recall about 1-2 times, during my whole lifetime, that I have slept and woken up and been so wellrested, so I just fuckin owned the rest of the day...

...and my back is starting to ache again...always something...I guess...

Nameless...

Sunday morning...March 16:th...5:57AM...

That emptiness has reached me yet again...that "why bother" feeling...that "alone" feeling...

Words...don't reach the destination, they just seem to pass by the final station...further on...beyond the point of reach...and then...all the way down...into a black hollow hole...

Alone...

....

Annoying Disturbance...

Thursday...March the 13:th...8:20AM...

What the fuck is wrong with me...?
Why am I like this...?

Sometimes I feel like I become someone else, depending on the mood I'm in...some of those mood-personalities are cool to live with...I can handle those (I think)...but then, there's those really scary ones when I get really pissed/mad/angry over something really stupid...and, that's one of the characthers that I cannot control...

That personality is something I rather kill off, if possible...cuz, I do things outta my head, without thinking and when I finally calm down, I have to pay the consequenses, of whatever that might be...and that hurts...but, needs to be taken care of...

One of these days I'm gonna fuck things up majorly and I don't know if I'm really up to it...to sit down and take the consequenses...again...

I got to find a way to cool down...again...I had it in control before...but, it has escalated the last period...got worse...outta my hand...and I cannot put a finger to what it really is...

I think it might be a mixture of a lot of things...personal life situation and work...things are going well for me, yet, I'm eager to fuck things up for some reason...

Is this the secret DNA-mixture, that I have from my parents and so on, that is finally boiling up and just wants to let loose and screw things up for some reason...?

I just don't get me anymore...? Who the fuck am I...? and, WHY am I...?

No fucking wonder I fucking hate me from time to time...

Who the fuck wants to be around a fuck up like me anyways...?

Who the fuck...?