Reality Check...Part II...

May 6:th 2008...Tuesday morning...7:31AM...go figure...

This last week has been so weird...in many ways...I have hit the bottom once again...and, yet, I had some great times...and all these feelings within' minutes from each other...

I enjoy hang around with my friends...but, to break down right in front of them...that's scary in some ways...well, I rather break down in front of my friends than someone I don't know...so...

So many feelings going through at the same time when it happens...but, mostly it's the "non-action", "in-activity", "nothing" that kills me...the big stand still...when things are going nowhere fast...the thoughts are spinning around, and you start to make out your own story of the things you see around you, but nothing is really for real...it's just imagination...echo in your head, making you go crazy...and, that's when it's time to leave the party...if there ever was one...

I have not been going out for walks so much in a long time as I have the last days...cleans up your mind pretty good...especially when the iPod is cranked up...Social Distortion is clearing up my mind...Mike Ness is singing songs that you can relate too...and songs that I wanna write about, but, that he's already done...

Anyways...the last 2 days has been really positive...or, felt good...or great...nothing to be down about...just happy...but, not in that typical happy way...more like, things are clearing up in my head at the moment (or for a change)...and, that makes me feel better and be in a better mood, than I have in the past weeks...

It's difficult to focus on something good when all you see is black and dissapointments and anger and feelings that you're alone (when in reality, you're not)...maybe it's just difficult for my friends to show that they care about me, in a way so that I understand...not, that they don't do it already, but, they're doing it in different ways, that surpasses me...and my way of thinking is probably different from others, and more difficult to understand...and, so, that's maybe why their way of showing their "love and affection" for me, doesn't affect me at all...

I miss the "touch & feel" part of the friendship, that spontaneus "I like you squeeze"...shared especially among friends that are close to each other...I like touching when talking or spending time with friends, but, it's one-way...hmmm...I guess that could be a another anxiety-provoking act in my register...seeing my friends sharing that part...and there's another part that I feel left out of...and, just becuz I feel it's one-way, I start to pull back my own touches...getting more withdrawn becuz of that...

I don't like being withdrawn...I try to break out from my silence...but whatever holds me back, is doing a damn good job at that...hope they get fired soon...so I can go back being "normal"...whatever that is...?

Still...Out of those pills...but, damn could they do miracles now...maybe...become a pill addict...a new problem arising...yay...

Anyways...

She Talks To Rainbows...

30/1 -08...7:56AM...Wednesday morning...

Shake your head...it's empty...here goes nothing...

...and so far this week has gone in the vein of work...funny yeah-yeah...

Had fun last Saturday...new friends to get wasted with...new influences...new everything...a new start...out with the old, in with the new...just a crazy re-boot...and re-fill...and here we go again...

One more night at work...then new adventures...burn up more braincells...get to know people even better...laugh to same crazy jokes...

...and...at the same time...just being depressed...for no reason at all...why must I feel this way...make it go away...

...but she doesn't talk to me...

Another Enjoyable Moment of Fuck-Ups...

19/12 -07...21:37PM...

Dunno where this rant leads...but, here it goes...

Sometimes in life you run into things that you're not supposed to see in the first place or that you just don't wanna know about...becuz, seeing or knowing, would shread your heart in a split second...

In a few hours I will enter day number 3 with these feelings...

Today is a day that people go out and celebrate a mini-christmas here in Sweden...more or less...it's supposed to be a happy moment for everyone...but...as always (getting way to used to this alredy) I'm out of the loop before it even starts...

The past day I have really hated everything, especially myself, the person who I've become, and all the moments I have experienced in my life...cuz, when you think you're about to head towards something good, the fall-doors open and you go right through them...down...down...down...you'll never hit the ground...you just fall...deeper and deeper...and there's no ending...becuz, when you think you're about to get above the ground, you slip again...

I fucking hate this...I have never been this suicidal before...but for the past hours (and even the past months) I have been thinking of just fucking end everything...I should write all the ways, to kill oneself, down, so that I can see how many weird ways I have figured out to waste ones life so far...

So many people I've loved...the difficulty being, why don't I get that love back...(man, this one struck my heart totally, I'm breaking down as we're speaking)...I just can't figure out what the fuck is wrong with me...I'm the greatest fucking friend you can ever have...but that love part...naaah...save it for someone else...cuz I'm not even an option in that department...I never was...I never will...I'm just a fucking friend...not a friend to fuck...just a friend...a fucking non-fucked friend...

I'll take a bullet for you...anyday...just so that I can move as soon as possible...
I'll pick a fight with someone who has a gun...just so that he can waste my life as soon as possible...
I want it to be quick...
I'll drive 180mph into a rock face next to the highway...no seatbelt on....just so that I can see the color of my brain run down the rock face just before I pass on to the next level...

Why even bother go on for a another 40-something years with the pain I'm already carrying with me...and that I have carried for way too long already...

I'm afraid that I'll miss out on something in the end...I wanna see the end...but, when I'm finally there...my final words will be something like "I told you so"...as in, nothing fucking happened anyways...I should've ended it right here, right now...

Man in hurts...I dunno how long I can go on with this pain...for real...I'm taking it day by day...but...as further we go...I seem to cut down the time to hour by hour...minute by minute...cuz, I just don't know what I'm up to the next moment anymore...maybe I'll find the guts to move on...maybe not...

I'm just so fucking tired of everything already...it won't get better than this...it never will...it never wont...my life was never meant to be easy....man I must've been a true motherfucker in my previous life...I think I've past a hurdle, but, it keeps popping up right ahead of me all the time...the same fucking hurdle...over and over and over again...

What the fuck have I done to deserve this shit...?

I'm almost there...yet, it's a long way to go...

Don't feel sorry for me...I wonder if you've ever done anyways...

I have enough demons inside of me to keep me busy for the next decades...

Help me get back on track if you ever cared aout me...I'll slip out of it soon though...

Love sure tore us apart...

The End...

Fuck it...

10:02 PM...Friday eve...

Thingy...

Tear my life apart, just fucking step on it and make me bleed all night long, do you feel better now about your decisions...?

I don't have nothing to live for, except for the pain that feels so good inside of me, when it fucks up my mind...

I thought you we're on my side, I thought I knew better, I thought I was a friend, I thought you we're someone to trust on...

I'm ready to get out of this shitty place, I'm so fucking ready to waste my life away...just fucking do it...

Don't ask me for nothing anymore, I won't do it, I'm not here, I'm somewhere I can live forever in my bleeding dying days...

What's the point going on anymore when I don't get the recognition I never demanded of you...?

What's the point trying to get over this and see the light off the next day...?

What's the point...what's the point...?

-----

No, I don't feel Alright-OK right now...I feel dead inside...fucking kill me already...

Fuck Life

22:08PM...Friday eve...

What's the point...? No really...what's the fucking point going on when theres actually nothing there for you at all...just fucking emptiness how ever far you look in towards the distance...like, who cares...?

If I'd be gone tomorrow, people would propably not care too much...just shake their heads and go on with their lifes...so...what's the point hanging around, if that's all I get anyways...a fucking headshake...

This shit has gone on for way too long already...and I dunno how much longer I can take it...so fucking depressing...it fucking tears my inside out...

Who are you...? are you my friend...? then show me...cuz I don't feel a shit...I just don't get it...I need a friend so bad right now...someone to talk too...a REAL friend...someone who's there regardless...but...no...go get some fucking help...and let them pshycics brainwash you and fill you up with drugs...the drug part actually sounds soothing for once...just get filled up with pills and then slowly slip away to wonderland...where you never get back home from...cuz, that's your new home...

I'm filled up with emptiness already...help me pour it out...I need something else in my life...I need to fill me up with something new...something worthwhile caring about...a fucking overdose of TLC...

Fuck this rant for now...I'm pissed off as is...

Laters...

Do The Elevator

0:00AM...Friday morning (?)...midnight anyways...

...and we're back down again for a change...

Sometimes I just don't get it...why my mood keeps fucking up my mind all this fucking time...it pisses me off...for real...I just wanna have a couple of months in straight, where I feel alive, but, no, not me...I'm the fucking specail case who's gonna walk this fucking life feeling miserable and down all the time...no matter what...no matter if I win the friggin lottery tomorrow...or I get an own day, and I get everything I point at, for free...well, you get the idea...the point being, even with these "lucky things" on my side, I bet all that crap I just got/won, that somehow my day is gonna be spoiled anyways...that I won't have strength enough to smile and be glad over what I got...I just don't feel like being happy right now...even though I really don't have anything to be "down" over...not at this point in my life...

You know...my mood the last weeks has been like an elevator ride...you go up, then you come back down...then you get stuck between 2 floors...and then you go down again, just becuz...and then back up...and then the whole procedure starts all over again...from the bottom...and it keeps repeating over and over and over again....'til I go mad...or something...

Sometimes I feel so fake...like I'm pretending this life thru...not living this life...but pretending...
Yet, I am me...I've never tried to be something that I am not...cuz, I just don't seem to like people who are trying to be something that they're not...and, yet I feel like my life is just a facade...like, I've built a decorative outside for you to look at...but, that's not the real me...that's the fake me...cuz, I'm scared for you to get to know the real me...I am scared to look into myself at times too...I just don't know what I'm gonna find inside of me...it's dark...it's pitch black hollow dark in there...

I had 3 great days...more or less starting on Saturday morning and onward...and, Tuesday was one of the last better mood days...and Wednesday it slowly shifted back...and Thursday it just crashed inside of me...and right now I just don't feel like doing a shit...and THAT kills me as well...cuz I'm off work and everything, I should be out doing stuff and so...but, I just don't have the desire to do all that, right now...

...

Ludovico Einaudi...fucking brilliant artist...so beautiful...so sad...at the same time...I never thought I would sit and listen to someone playing classical piano and like it...this guy is so into the dark world with his music, it's scary...he only plays sad notes...but, he makes them sound so beautiful...and all this becuz of me watching This is England the other night...the end score (where the end titles comes up) is by this guy, "Dietro Casa"...and there's even a few more tracks of him hidden throughout the movie...that I didn't recognize until I saw and heard the soundtrack...2 great discoveries in one weeks time...this and The Butterfly Explosion...

The thing being, he doesn't sing at all...the songs are all instrumentals...he lets the music tell the story for you instead...and, it's up to you what the songs are about...in the long run...mostly it's just him and the piano...in some tracks he has incorporated a more classical approach with the violins and trombones in the background...and even an electric guitar in some places...but, mostly it's just him and the piano...on their own...

Massive rant...I'll just cut this one right here...

Laters...

Dead Rockstars sings Happy Songs...Not...

8:46PM Sunday evening...

One more night to go of my 6 night stint at work...and my back and especially my shoulders are in pain...I wouldn't say no to an hardcore backrub at this point...
The monotony kills me...same thing over and over again...no nothing new at all...boredom takes over...you do all the things you have to accomplish at work, in your sleep...like an walking zombie...you are there, but then again, you're somewhere else at the same time...

Heatmiser playing on the comp now...I've had my first real overdose of Elliott Smith related stuff in the last days...and, it doesn't look to fade away any time soon...yet...that is...cuz, suddenly I can find something totally different that I'm into for a few days before the next music discover...and so on...but, for now it's Elliott who holds the number one spot...for the time being that is...cuz, just a few weeks ago, I was hardcore into The Cure...like, OVERDOSE-mood...

...and I still have CD's to go through that I bought earlier this week...sometimes they just lay there...for weeks...even months, before I finally go through them...and, I tend to buy CD's even though I have a bunch to go through that are just laying there...collecting dust...but, I've been good the last days and went through a bunch and now I got some kind of control over the situation again...

Well, since the work has been taking over my life for the past few days, my mood has not been improving a lot...the wait between waking up and going to work is boring and that tears up my mind in bits and pieces as well...I just need something that can get my spirits back up again...cuz, they are kinda "all time low" right now...nothing seems to be fun or anything at all...I feel dead inside...like someone pulled out something inside of me...just that emptiness that I can't fill with anything at this point...whatever it might be that I try to fill it with...
It's just...empty...lonely...hollow...nothing...nothing at all...

Listening to dead rockstars might not be improving the situation at all...since most of the lyrics they sang, when alive, were about misery and loneliness and emptiness...not that uplifting messages really...but, I just don't feel like listening to "happy cheer up" music right now...well, not anything like "come on boys and girls, and lets party"-music...that would put me further down the downward spiral I'm on right now...

Man, I try to hang on...but it's hard...I've been doing this for so long now...like, fuck, give me a break already...shit...isn't enough enough, no...? I guess not...

I guess I'm gonna cut it right here before I dig myself further down somewhere I don't wanna be at the moment...

Laters...

Kill the Demon

6:37AM...Thursday morning...

I feel much better now than I did some 12 hours ago...
That back there was some really deep shit...I haven't felt like that in a long time, if ever...I've been depressed for a reason before...but this was just weird...like I wasn't me anymore...like my body have been abducted by an outer lifeform (of some sort, earthwise or alienwise)...

Anyways...some of the reasons that did lighten up my mood and spirits within hours was the following:
I'm a member of various communities on the net and on one of these, I have made a simple comment to a "wrong-spelling" the previous day...well, the author of that wrong-spelling answered my reply and that reply made me crack up in laugh...I so neede that laugh...it was so spontaneous and freed up a lot of that heavy weight I was carrying...

The second part was even better...my dear girl friend MSN'd me and asked "have you stopped replying on my SMS's lately?"...and from there on our conversation was more open and spontanious than it has been for a long time...she seemed so geniunly happy for some reason and that came off to me as well...and that even though she was busy with something else on the side...she took time to answer me and made me feel good about myself...and she didn't even know how I was feeling earlier in the day, cuz I didn't tell...but, from there on...my day was done...I was back on track again...I was feeling fine with everything again...and the biggest reason was my dear girl friend...I hope we can have talks like that in the future...propably one of the best chats I've had in a long time...that meant something more than just a chat...even though we didn't say anything important at all...it was just that very communication that felt so right at the moment...

Well...whatever it really was in the long run, that happened inside of me...I managed to kill the demon off...with a lil help from my friends...and I feel much better about everything now...
But, even though I could go ahead and delete that blog down there, I won't...cuz I think it's important to see for you self the scary side of you...and maybe you can get more help from your friends that have a more outer form of view at you...you know...they see you for who you are and they can maybe even analyze the situation much better than me myself can, while my head is in total chaos...damn, that didn't make much sense...I hope you understand anyways...cuz I don't...

Now...even though I feel better...I think I don't...cuz I'm tryin to kill off the flu since about 2 hours ago...(it's 7AM now, had this feeling since 5AM)...so, now I'm sick in a different way...the more suckier way...or, well...they both suck kinda bad... I should be in bed, and I will, in a few minutes...

Anyways...It's good to know that there are people out there that can bare with me and my friggin issues (or they play the game very well, not letting me know how they REALLY feel about me and my issues)...and that's why I really would like to find someone who can bare with this guy and his "problems"...cuz, I think that THAT is one of the problems...loneliness...I need someone to fill that spot...before I really do something stupid and regretable...I have some major mood swings some days...and the other days I have control over them (I think)...

Well, I think recognizing your "issues" is the biggest step to getting better...but, I have had these ups and downs for quite awhile...sometimes very shallow...some other times much deeper and more noticeable for others...even though I try to keep it inside of me most of the time...I don't wanna show it to people when I feel bad...a fake smile will do...and inside I'm just ripping, shreading and tearing apart to bits...

If you have got this far and survived through this rant...and maybe even learned something about me (or yourself)...then you're a real friend of mine...and those do not grow on trees...

Thanks for bareing with me through this one...it'll be better ones soon...

Laters...

First off...

Oki...

First blog...in here that is...well, my first real one actually...hmm...anyways...

As everyone else is asking themselves, I will also:

What the hell am I gonna write in here?

So, now that that's done, I can go on with the actual blogging...

Well, first of, the name of the blog is "Forever...", which happens to be one of my (many) fave Cure-songs, not recorded on any album (if you don't count the instrumental called "Three" of off the "Seventeen Seconds" album) - (or the one and only John Peel recorded version; 15/1 -81)...it only appears on obscure live-bootlegs that you can get hold on here and there online...
My favourite one is recorded 7/6 -82 in Paris...and called by many: All I have to do is kill her...
Robert likes to change the lyrics for every time he decides to sing this song...not one version is the other alike...so, if you hear the song once, doesn't mean you've heard 'em all...cuz there's close to 200 different versions out there...ranging everywhere from 2 minutes up to 12 minute orgies...

http://www.foreverdrowning.net/

Enough said about that...

Today I feel alone...been listening to music all day (well, I got up around 3PM, so)...you know those days when you just wanna have someone to hold, in your arms and cuddle away...
Somedays are OK, but lately I've been feeling that I know this part of life already, I'm ready to move on, again...well, not that I wanna be married or something like that, I know that part already as well...haha...but, just to have someone that cares about you regardless how you feel that day, and is always there, without being to damn craving...you know, someone who has her own life but still likes to hang around, without asking her to turn up, but does it anyways...

Damn I miss that...

Somedays I just feel fed up with everything and just wanna leave everything (again) and move on to something new and more fun...something that can get my mood back up...I haven't felt to damn good the last weeks/months...just an emptiness that I try to fill with whatever comes around...hopefully I find something that is worthwhile my time and makes sense in the long run and that makes me feel more happy about the life as it is, and to get to live to the fullest extent...

Well...that's a pretty friggin open-minded first blog for you to gourge over...enjoy...