Another Enjoyable Moment of Fuck-Ups...

19/12 -07...21:37PM...

Dunno where this rant leads...but, here it goes...

Sometimes in life you run into things that you're not supposed to see in the first place or that you just don't wanna know about...becuz, seeing or knowing, would shread your heart in a split second...

In a few hours I will enter day number 3 with these feelings...

Today is a day that people go out and celebrate a mini-christmas here in Sweden...more or less...it's supposed to be a happy moment for everyone...but...as always (getting way to used to this alredy) I'm out of the loop before it even starts...

The past day I have really hated everything, especially myself, the person who I've become, and all the moments I have experienced in my life...cuz, when you think you're about to head towards something good, the fall-doors open and you go right through them...down...down...down...you'll never hit the ground...you just fall...deeper and deeper...and there's no ending...becuz, when you think you're about to get above the ground, you slip again...

I fucking hate this...I have never been this suicidal before...but for the past hours (and even the past months) I have been thinking of just fucking end everything...I should write all the ways, to kill oneself, down, so that I can see how many weird ways I have figured out to waste ones life so far...

So many people I've loved...the difficulty being, why don't I get that love back...(man, this one struck my heart totally, I'm breaking down as we're speaking)...I just can't figure out what the fuck is wrong with me...I'm the greatest fucking friend you can ever have...but that love part...naaah...save it for someone else...cuz I'm not even an option in that department...I never was...I never will...I'm just a fucking friend...not a friend to fuck...just a friend...a fucking non-fucked friend...

I'll take a bullet for you...anyday...just so that I can move as soon as possible...
I'll pick a fight with someone who has a gun...just so that he can waste my life as soon as possible...
I want it to be quick...
I'll drive 180mph into a rock face next to the highway...no seatbelt on....just so that I can see the color of my brain run down the rock face just before I pass on to the next level...

Why even bother go on for a another 40-something years with the pain I'm already carrying with me...and that I have carried for way too long already...

I'm afraid that I'll miss out on something in the end...I wanna see the end...but, when I'm finally there...my final words will be something like "I told you so"...as in, nothing fucking happened anyways...I should've ended it right here, right now...

Man in hurts...I dunno how long I can go on with this pain...for real...I'm taking it day by day...but...as further we go...I seem to cut down the time to hour by hour...minute by minute...cuz, I just don't know what I'm up to the next moment anymore...maybe I'll find the guts to move on...maybe not...

I'm just so fucking tired of everything already...it won't get better than this...it never will...it never wont...my life was never meant to be easy....man I must've been a true motherfucker in my previous life...I think I've past a hurdle, but, it keeps popping up right ahead of me all the time...the same fucking hurdle...over and over and over again...

What the fuck have I done to deserve this shit...?

I'm almost there...yet, it's a long way to go...

Don't feel sorry for me...I wonder if you've ever done anyways...

I have enough demons inside of me to keep me busy for the next decades...

Help me get back on track if you ever cared aout me...I'll slip out of it soon though...

Love sure tore us apart...

The End...