Reality Check...Part II...

May 6:th 2008...Tuesday morning...7:31AM...go figure...

This last week has been so weird...in many ways...I have hit the bottom once again...and, yet, I had some great times...and all these feelings within' minutes from each other...

I enjoy hang around with my friends...but, to break down right in front of them...that's scary in some ways...well, I rather break down in front of my friends than someone I don't know...so...

So many feelings going through at the same time when it happens...but, mostly it's the "non-action", "in-activity", "nothing" that kills me...the big stand still...when things are going nowhere fast...the thoughts are spinning around, and you start to make out your own story of the things you see around you, but nothing is really for real...it's just imagination...echo in your head, making you go crazy...and, that's when it's time to leave the party...if there ever was one...

I have not been going out for walks so much in a long time as I have the last days...cleans up your mind pretty good...especially when the iPod is cranked up...Social Distortion is clearing up my mind...Mike Ness is singing songs that you can relate too...and songs that I wanna write about, but, that he's already done...

Anyways...the last 2 days has been really positive...or, felt good...or great...nothing to be down about...just happy...but, not in that typical happy way...more like, things are clearing up in my head at the moment (or for a change)...and, that makes me feel better and be in a better mood, than I have in the past weeks...

It's difficult to focus on something good when all you see is black and dissapointments and anger and feelings that you're alone (when in reality, you're not)...maybe it's just difficult for my friends to show that they care about me, in a way so that I understand...not, that they don't do it already, but, they're doing it in different ways, that surpasses me...and my way of thinking is probably different from others, and more difficult to understand...and, so, that's maybe why their way of showing their "love and affection" for me, doesn't affect me at all...

I miss the "touch & feel" part of the friendship, that spontaneus "I like you squeeze"...shared especially among friends that are close to each other...I like touching when talking or spending time with friends, but, it's one-way...hmmm...I guess that could be a another anxiety-provoking act in my register...seeing my friends sharing that part...and there's another part that I feel left out of...and, just becuz I feel it's one-way, I start to pull back my own touches...getting more withdrawn becuz of that...

I don't like being withdrawn...I try to break out from my silence...but whatever holds me back, is doing a damn good job at that...hope they get fired soon...so I can go back being "normal"...whatever that is...?

Still...Out of those pills...but, damn could they do miracles now...maybe...become a pill addict...a new problem arising...yay...

Anyways...