She Fades Away

18/7 -08...7:27PM...Friday eve...

A song I wrote just moments ago...a suicide-song...

---------------------------

She Fades Away

And the scars became deeper, as I watched the blood rush down her arm
And what the needle couldn't do, she used the razorblade for
How could I help her kill the pain she got herself into
The colours on her face, slowly fades away, and the pain, soon no more

*Chorus*
I never wanted this to you
As I saw you go away
I tried to help you
But it was already too late

I never saw this coming
As I walked over to you
I tried to stop you
But you were already gone

And I see her tears run down her face, for one last time
Her life has come to an end and will soon exist to be, soon come to cease
I hold her cold hands in my arms, as I feel the pulse slowly fade away
And her breathing, has finally stopped, she has finally found her inner peace

Yeah Yeah

28/6 -08...8:09AM...Saturday-morning...

I tried to figure out the lyrics a few moments ago...this is what I came up with...(with exceptions of misshearings and etc.)...

------------------------------------

The Brian Jonestown Massacre

Yeah Yeah

Well, I'll never worry
I leave it to faith
I'm not in a hurry
I'm already late

The voices of angels
Sing in my head
They tell me to worry
I'm already dead

And I say Yeah Yeah
Yeah Yeah Yeah
And I say Hell Yeah
Yeah Yeah Yeah

The voices embarres
Run in my head
The misses are scary
It's keeping me dead

The misses are scary
And quit if you can
It's feelings so hurried
It's way outta hand

And I say Yeah Yeah
Yeah Yeah Yeah
And I say Hell Yeah
Yeah Yeah Yeah

The Wrong One

26/6 -08...20:00...Thursday evening

A song I wrote a few moments ago...
------------------------------------------

The Wrong One

Have you ever felt the way I feel...?
Do you realize what you've done to me...?
Have you ever seen a man in pain...?
Have you ever seen someone go insane...?

You ask for forgivness, something I can give
Will it be better?, Will it ever be the same...?
Could I hear your laugh, one last time...?
Then I'll leave you and move on to a another place

*Chorus*
She's the wrong one, she's the wrong one for me
She'll never belong, she'll never belong to me
I'll unlock the cage and let her out
I'll untie the leach and let her free

I have never felt the way you feel
I haven't realized what I've done to you
I have never seen a woman in pain
I have never seen someone go insane

I ask for forgivness, something you can give
Will it be better?, Will it ever be the same...?
Will you hear me laugh, one last time...?
Then you'll leave me and move on to a another place

*Chorus*
I'm the wrong one, I'm the wrong one for her
I'll never belong, I'll never belong to her
She'll unlocks the cage and lets me out
She'll unties the leach and lets me free

Reality Check...Part II...

May 6:th 2008...Tuesday morning...7:31AM...go figure...

This last week has been so weird...in many ways...I have hit the bottom once again...and, yet, I had some great times...and all these feelings within' minutes from each other...

I enjoy hang around with my friends...but, to break down right in front of them...that's scary in some ways...well, I rather break down in front of my friends than someone I don't know...so...

So many feelings going through at the same time when it happens...but, mostly it's the "non-action", "in-activity", "nothing" that kills me...the big stand still...when things are going nowhere fast...the thoughts are spinning around, and you start to make out your own story of the things you see around you, but nothing is really for real...it's just imagination...echo in your head, making you go crazy...and, that's when it's time to leave the party...if there ever was one...

I have not been going out for walks so much in a long time as I have the last days...cleans up your mind pretty good...especially when the iPod is cranked up...Social Distortion is clearing up my mind...Mike Ness is singing songs that you can relate too...and songs that I wanna write about, but, that he's already done...

Anyways...the last 2 days has been really positive...or, felt good...or great...nothing to be down about...just happy...but, not in that typical happy way...more like, things are clearing up in my head at the moment (or for a change)...and, that makes me feel better and be in a better mood, than I have in the past weeks...

It's difficult to focus on something good when all you see is black and dissapointments and anger and feelings that you're alone (when in reality, you're not)...maybe it's just difficult for my friends to show that they care about me, in a way so that I understand...not, that they don't do it already, but, they're doing it in different ways, that surpasses me...and my way of thinking is probably different from others, and more difficult to understand...and, so, that's maybe why their way of showing their "love and affection" for me, doesn't affect me at all...

I miss the "touch & feel" part of the friendship, that spontaneus "I like you squeeze"...shared especially among friends that are close to each other...I like touching when talking or spending time with friends, but, it's one-way...hmmm...I guess that could be a another anxiety-provoking act in my register...seeing my friends sharing that part...and there's another part that I feel left out of...and, just becuz I feel it's one-way, I start to pull back my own touches...getting more withdrawn becuz of that...

I don't like being withdrawn...I try to break out from my silence...but whatever holds me back, is doing a damn good job at that...hope they get fired soon...so I can go back being "normal"...whatever that is...?

Still...Out of those pills...but, damn could they do miracles now...maybe...become a pill addict...a new problem arising...yay...

Anyways...

Reality Check...Part I...

May 2 2008...3:17AM Friday Morning...

Hate...

Not depressed...but, just this "not so cool" feeling inside of me right now...like, I should've done something else anyways, becuz, I feel I was cheated out on what I was originally supposed to do...

There is nothing that can replace this very feeling right now...or...maybe there is...but...that is just a long-lost wish unfullfillment...keep on dreaming...words, but no action...

Alone...

I will never get rid of this feeling...it's something I will carry with me for as long as I have the will to hang around...and right now I just feel like; fuck everything...

The mission is on, but never fully accomplished...

Today was an...not a good day...after all...becuz I missed out on something...

I fucking love my music...and I let music down for this one time...and it's fucking bringing me down hardcore right now...I will and won't NEVER!!!!!!!!! do that again...what ever fucking distractions or other temptations there is for offer...becuz...that's just words...and, whatever people say...it won't ever happen...and I fell for it this one time...but, it won't happen again...and I won't fucking care whatever the case may be...I go alone...by myself...as always...I'm a looner...I'll always be by myself...nobody fucking cares...why should they...?

Friends...

I hope they know that I love them, cuz, I do...they are very important to me...after all...but, I need help, I cannot do this by myself...seems sometimes like I'm on a lower level when it comes to depression and how to solve it...I've lived with it for such a long time already...but, seems I'm in the wrong generation...the X Generation...we're supposed to be fucked up...and we are...with the difference that the later generations has the balls to seek for help in time...

Depression...

I can put a specific date on this one...April 8:th...1994...right after around 4.00PM...my fucking world came crashing down...and I haven't really been back up again after that...

Even though my earlier years, with school and everything has been tough and so, I always felt like an outcast...alone...I never belonged...I will never belong...no one will ever belong in the same level as I...selfish...mmmm...

That date is stuck in my head forever and ever...I was gaming with my friend...I was one of those game-o-holics...and I think I even remember WHAT we played...Championship Manager 92/93 (or similar year)...soccer management game...just something we did every now and then...gaming...

This specific date changed the way I used to be and what I became...

Parents came home...evening papers with them...and, the first thing they say when they come in to the room:
- I guess there won't be a concert...(I remember this very sentence so fucking clearly, it's like it was said 2 minutes ago)...

I was like a question mark...WTF...???...and I saw the evening papers:
"Rockstar found dead"...in huge letters on the frontpage...and a picture right next to them...

I died that very moment...approx 4:15PM that very day...

My friends comment:
- Oh well...

My mind was numb...we tried to return to whatever wwe we're doing a moment ago...and I went:
- I need to get the fuck out of here...I cannot do this right now...I need to get out...

For the first time in my life, I asked my "second-dad" for the car-keys...and, he gave them to me...just like that...and I brought with me a bunch of tapes...and when I got down into the car...I fucking crancked that stereo to the "BLAST MY EAR OFF"-level...while taking my friends car back home...

We we're cruising around the town that evening...me, numb, just empty, no feelings...just pure anger...I was even fed up with my friend...so much that was locked inside of me that evening that started to slowly pour out of me for the first time in my life...

I didn't buy music for 3 full months that year...but, right after that summer...that's when it started for real...the fucking parties...I poured in so much alcohol in me, I started to crave parties or alcohol every fucking weekend...I hated the white weekends...I was an fucking alcoholic at the very end of the line...it didn't matter what it was...I was drinking it...puking it...getting re-fills...re-pukes...just fucking going nuts most of the time...I don't even remember some of those evenings...but, people have told me that I was wasted as fuck some days...

Fall of 94 and the whole 1995...just fucking alcohol...and the other thing I started to waste my money on was CD's...but, funnily enough...the concerts...those I did attend by myself...as always...

Those times we're fun...on and off...but, even then I felt outside at most events...I didn't belong...I never have...I never will...

I picked up the guitar Fall of 1994...

But...who cared...?

Self gratification...not fun...but only way to get your kicks out occasionally...

My fucking life in a nutshell...when does it turn to the better...?
I'm tired of getting out and push my life on to better places...I need a fucking rest...

I got too much to rant about...way too much...this isn't even the bottom of the fucking iceberg...

I need to get me a fuck...a good fuck...an oxytocin-kick...

Nowhere in sight...

Alone...with my hate and depression...

Like always...

Social Distortion

2 May 2008...3:04 AM...Friday morning...

Footprints On My Ceiling

Everybody wants a lover
Nobody wants to uncover
What may lay deep beneath a sometimes painful past
Wanna go without a care
Pull gardenias from her hair
I think of a time we didn’t have a care in the world
Captivated by her beauty I knew it was my life long duty
She had all the grace and charm of a radiant queen

Chorus:
How do you talk without speaking? Yea
How do you hear without listening?
How do you live without feeling? Yea
How do you take without giving?
We keep it all inside?

There are footprints on my ceiling
I can’t help this fucked up feeling
Something’s wrong, you ain’t comin’ around here no more
Try to get my thoughts together
I think of a time when things were better
This miscommunication is breaking me down

Chorus:
How do you talk without speaking? Yea
How do you hear without listening?
How do you live without feeling? Yea
How do you take without giving?
How you treat your new best friend?
Everybody wants a lover

Nobody wants to uncover
What may lay deep beneath a sometimes painful past
My heart is heavy slowly sinking
I redirect my desperate thinking
And kiss her red full lips like I did the very first time

Chorus:
How do you talk without speaking? Yea
How do you hear without listening?
How do you live without feeling? Yea
How do you take without giving?
There are footprints on my ceiling yea
And I kept it bottled up inside
All my life

The Decline of Western Civilization

23/4 -08...Wednesday morning...07:26AM...

Let's see...this weeks rant...hmmm...

Went to see Cut Copy last Friday with a friend...great act, great show...they're really not my cup of tea in normal cases, but, since I've broken out of my "normal" music barriers, I find them really intressting in the vein of music that they are creating, and, they're doing it good too...feels genuin...and, it's better than any Top 10 crap out there...

I totally got a hold of a bunch of punkmovies the last days...most of them are done "back in the days"...78-82:ish...Going through the whole UK and US punkmovement...Lot of cool and weird acts in the ones I've gone through so far...The Germs (with a very young Pat Smear, later in Nirvana), X, Fear, A Certain Ratio, Catholic Discipline, Circle Jerks, Black Flag (w. original singer, not Henry Rollins), Alice Bag Band...and so on...some of the bands are not really punk, in the way they play (Ska, Reggae, Alternative), but, still has much more to do with the punkmovement than any other genres...so, that's why you find those bands in these movies...

Tonight...there's plans to get utterly wasted...I have a feeling I wont be feeling to damn well some 24 hours from now...unless my friends run out of booze...hehe...

Anyways...the way I feel now, it can't be any worse...and, it's free booze too, so...I'm not known for thanking NO to free stuff...so, bring it on...and, yeah, bring me a bucket too, just in case...

Porn Sword Tobacco...is a store located somewhere in the west-southern part of Sweden (in the woods)...and, also an artist from Gothenburgh...that I happen to listen too right now...electronic...spacey...dreamy...very very own...

No, I really don't have anything funnier than that on store for you guys...

Laters...

Communication Breakdown

Monday...March the 31:st...08:20AM...

Somehow I felt like crap again a few hours ago...I think it's gone over by now, feels better...but, I feel kinda fed up with everything right now for some weird reason...just wanna get away from this...but I have nowhere to go, becuz the other places brings up backward memories too...that's gonna mess up my mind even more...and, that's exactly what I'm trying to avoid...

I'm going through some jealousness and trust issues right now...and I feel unfocused yet again...so much going on, but, I just don't seem to have the will or strength to care enough about all the things, that should be most important in my life at this point...

I feel stuck right now...feels weird...going nowhere fast...

Scorching the net...

I finally got hold on all of the "more official" releases of Heatmiser...excluding the few singles they released...but, I got all the 3 full length albums and 2 EPs they released...well, one of the EPs (casette) was ony sold on their shows, but, anyways...

I also found Radioheads first project, On A Friday, and their 3 first demos they released back in 1988, 1990 and 1991...sounds very different from what they finally would become known for...even though some of the songs has that creepy Radiohead vibe...intresting...

I'm kinda fed up with the "big name bands", except for a few ones (Radiohead, duh), so I've been trying to find new (old) smaller (more unknown) bands to like and listen too...and I've found quite a bunch...at least a song or two, from everyone, are really great...

Lichter, Fotos, Pale Saints, Verbal Abuse, Blitzen Trapper, Colour Revolt, The Notwist...just to name a few, or at least, last weeks findings...

Hmmm...well, I think that's enough for now...fixing to get wasted later tonight...yeah...sounds like a plan...burn up some more braincells...what's the use...hmmm...

Laters...

Dead Tired

Sunday...March the 23:rd...09:54PM...

So, the other day (Sat morn. 22nd March), I finally went to bed earlier than usual, just so I could wake up and have a few extra hours to spare, before going to work...I went to bed at 07:00AM...(yeah, in the morning, I work nights, so)...and thought, well, I should be able to get up at 03:00PM and be well rested and have way over 6 hours before going to work...

I got up 06:30PM...dead fuckin tired...I could've slept much much longer...I had to finally force myself out of bed...and, I kept sleeping, while up...in the shower...when having my breakfast...even when driving to work...just kept yawning for no apparent reason at all...besides being tired as hell...not even the friggin energydrink helped...

I've been like this before...in the school...20 years ago, just tired all the time...even for a long period after that...with some good periods when I actually feel well-rested...

I think I can recall about 1-2 times, during my whole lifetime, that I have slept and woken up and been so wellrested, so I just fuckin owned the rest of the day...

...and my back is starting to ache again...always something...I guess...

Nameless...

Sunday morning...March 16:th...5:57AM...

That emptiness has reached me yet again...that "why bother" feeling...that "alone" feeling...

Words...don't reach the destination, they just seem to pass by the final station...further on...beyond the point of reach...and then...all the way down...into a black hollow hole...

Alone...

....

Annoying Disturbance...

Thursday...March the 13:th...8:20AM...

What the fuck is wrong with me...?
Why am I like this...?

Sometimes I feel like I become someone else, depending on the mood I'm in...some of those mood-personalities are cool to live with...I can handle those (I think)...but then, there's those really scary ones when I get really pissed/mad/angry over something really stupid...and, that's one of the characthers that I cannot control...

That personality is something I rather kill off, if possible...cuz, I do things outta my head, without thinking and when I finally calm down, I have to pay the consequenses, of whatever that might be...and that hurts...but, needs to be taken care of...

One of these days I'm gonna fuck things up majorly and I don't know if I'm really up to it...to sit down and take the consequenses...again...

I got to find a way to cool down...again...I had it in control before...but, it has escalated the last period...got worse...outta my hand...and I cannot put a finger to what it really is...

I think it might be a mixture of a lot of things...personal life situation and work...things are going well for me, yet, I'm eager to fuck things up for some reason...

Is this the secret DNA-mixture, that I have from my parents and so on, that is finally boiling up and just wants to let loose and screw things up for some reason...?

I just don't get me anymore...? Who the fuck am I...? and, WHY am I...?

No fucking wonder I fucking hate me from time to time...

Who the fuck wants to be around a fuck up like me anyways...?

Who the fuck...?

Echo in my Head

22/2 -08...3:28AM...Friday morning...

At the Drive-In blasting out...Rolodex Propaganda...

Saw The Von Bondies on February 7:th...really intense rockshow...

Saw The Cure on February 9:th...beautiful and strange show...but nevertheless great...

It's been a while since the last blog...I really haven't had anything worth saying...it's like a hollow echo in my head...I can't put words to it...feels weird doing that...

I've been hanging out with some new friends the last weeks, and it feels like we know each other so well already, even though we haven't met that many times yet...it's just the weird connection that we have, from the very get-go...like we knew each other way before...feels great to have something new to hold on to...

The old friends...well...we're still good friends...but, I feel we're about to fade away from each other...day-by-day...week-by-week...and the few times we finally do hook up, we have a great fun time...but...I dunno...it feels weird...like, they're just people...not friends...hmmm...

My door has always been open for everyone...and to whomever wants to come over and hang out at my joint...now...the fun part about that, is that I've had about...zero visits the last year...or, well, since last summer (of -07)...but, I've been over to my "friends" places quite a few times...I can't make up the correct calculation here...that 50/50 part is more like 2/98 for my part...

I don't even know how to handle an unexpected guest, since I've never had one...you grow with experience...it's hard to get it when there's nothing to gain experience out of...

Now...my new friends, that I've hang'd out with that last weeks, they said that they wanna come over to my place one day...It was like a shock through my system...like, I didn't know what to say..."Who wants to come over to my place?"...Do they care that much...?

I'm always suspicious of people and their behaviour...but, I have a positive feeling about my new friends...seems like they are people who care about and value new friendships...and the fact that they told me that "We've met some strange people sometimes, but, you're cool"...

I guess I'm overdosed by positive energy suddenly...love-bombing...of some sort...that I'm not used to from previous experiences/friendships...or...it was just too long ago since last time...

I dunno...I'm overwhelmed or something...hmmmm...

Laters...

The Point of Being...

2/2 -08...1:41AM...Saturday morning...

...here is to learn and evolve your knowledge of certain things...

Sometimes it's hard to get a hold of things...they just don't seem to stay...as hard as you try to hold on...but at the end, you let go...and everything fades away in to the distance...and everything goes back to like it was the day before yesterday...

What's up with the green...? Why is everybody so fuckin' anal about the green...just fuckin' drop it...I'm tired to hear about incomes and expenses...just live your fuckin' life...already...geeez...

I've been there...but, I've always tried to get my mouth shut about the fuckin' green...becuz, it's fuckin' killing people to hear that kind of stuff...shit...already...I don't care if you make 35 cents or 50 million an hour...I really don't give a shit...I don't rank you as a friend by how much you make...or spend...just fuckin' shut up about it already...

The plans I haven't made up yet...is gonna happen...this year...though...

...and there she slips away...

Over and Out...

She Talks To Rainbows...

30/1 -08...7:56AM...Wednesday morning...

Shake your head...it's empty...here goes nothing...

...and so far this week has gone in the vein of work...funny yeah-yeah...

Had fun last Saturday...new friends to get wasted with...new influences...new everything...a new start...out with the old, in with the new...just a crazy re-boot...and re-fill...and here we go again...

One more night at work...then new adventures...burn up more braincells...get to know people even better...laugh to same crazy jokes...

...and...at the same time...just being depressed...for no reason at all...why must I feel this way...make it go away...

...but she doesn't talk to me...

Write Me Off...

25/1 -08...2:07AM...Friday morning...

The roads of Boston were cold and icey...he walked down the streets, with an iPod plugged in his ears...loud music numbing the noises in his head...an distant echo that he couldn't hear, screamed for help...

I don't mind...cuz nobody minds...I'm alone anyways...this is me...this is my life...accept me for who I am...lonely...looner...like always...like it's gonna be forever...a nobody... a passing shadow in your life...

Just write me off...no invitations passed out...I got my own...it goes for anything that I want to...I don't need your approval...I choose my own parties to go to...I choose my own places where to mourn at...

Silence...the quiet 2 seconds before the next track...my ears hurts...I need noise...there...that's better...screaming guitars shreding my ears to pieces...yet again...an pounding bass and loud drums...

Alone...again...seeking for distance...never to be seen again...did you miss me...?

Alcohol running down my throat, tearing up the inner me...numbing my skull...I can't see...I can't think...I just am...I am me...me...nobody else...just an hollow...empty shell...filled up with alcohol and music...

When is it my turn...?

I Don't Belong Here...

17/1 -08...7:25AM...Thursday morning...

Absolutely nothing to write about...but, hey...

My mind is on repeat all the time...going over things over and over and over again...I cannot shut it down...I wonder if that's one of the reasons I've been having headaches the last week...(Yeah, it's still on, a week later)...

When I finally think I've gone through everything, it starts all over again...I feel stuck on repeat...no wonder I get wasted as soon as possible...and even getting stronger and stronger drinks for everytime...just so I can kill off whatever is going on in my mind...

Filling my head with noize (music) helps for a while as well...I just need a total reboot...which I thought that I already went through...and, which I probably did...but, my mind got filled up again in a split second...with other crap, that I need to get out now...and, hopefully after that, it'll be silent...total silence...no nothing...nothing at all...just...silence...

I'm still scared that I will end up doing something that is wrong...since, these thoughts occupy my mind from time to time...not as strong as before...but, it's enough that they're still there...

At this point in my life...I'd like to have somebody to hold on to, someone to love...but, I also need a friend, someone to rely on to...somebody I know will be there when I'm down, or even when I'm in a better mood (which doesn't happen too often)...I miss hanging out with a true "soulmate-friend"...listen to music...going to concerts...going to movies...laugh...share the good with bad and the other way around...almost like being a couple, but, then again, not...

I'm tired of getting hurt already...being around these things that I don't like to see...stuff that hurts the inner me...or just makes me shut out everybody that's near me when that happens...ignorance is bliss...(?)...

This happened just a few days ago...I didn't belong...I never belonged...never have, never will...I feel like the outcast...no, I felt like the outcast...that everyone was pointing and laughing at...not a funny feeling...I've gone through this shit for over 25 years already...

...and, even when I'm with people who's supposed to be my friends...I get that feeling...that "how does it feel to be you?"..."how does it feel to be over there?"..."how does it feel to be a nothing?"...

I just don't have anything to share when it comes to certain things...my communication skills are really crappy...I cannot step in and go at it without starting to stutter...without stumbling over words...especially if it's about a subject I'm not familiar with or that I'm not even remotely interested in...that's a point when I zone out and go somewhere else in my mind...day dreaming...

...and, I shut everything out...and, I've been caught day dreaming many times, when I got a question and I haven't reacted to whatever was asked from me...even though I sit next to whoever asked...

If you can't keep me interested with your talk or whatever, I go somewhere else where I can keep myself entertained...my inner mind...done it so many times already...

"Why don't we just talk about music...?, that's one of the only things that I'm really good at"...

No, I'm no OK-Alright right now...

Laters...

Just...empty...

15/1 -08...7:22AM...Tuesday morning...

I really don't have anything of intrest to report...but, here we go...

We're already 2 weeks into the new year...and, for my part, the year has sucked major dick so far...I cannot see anything positive in 2008 at this point...

A year ago...I was having the time of my life...I felt alive...I haven't had such a adrenaline rush in a long time, as I did back then...all that is gone though...wasted...faded...just gone...

Empty...I dunno...

Over and out...

Fucking Headache...

9/1 -08...2:49AM...Wednesday morning...

OK, I've had this fucking headache for 3 fucking days now...and, it just fucking started again...I'm drinking, but, I got to kill this fucking pain...so, I just had to take pills for it...nice combination...I wish I had some fucking real painkillers available...

Fuck Migraine...like, totally...worthless piece of crap...ain't doing no good in my life...

I've tried to kill off other things in my life the last week, and, i'm still working on it...painful, but, hey...I just can't deal with the situation anymore, so, this is my solution...wherever it might lead and take me...

Fake a smile and go on with your life...

I'm fed up with all this pain already...I dunno...haven't I suffered enough already...can't I just fucking get a break already...self pitiness...fucking bull crap...hate is a strong word, but, it seems to be my closest friend at the moment...kick the shit out of me...is that the best you can do...? Fucking bring it on already...shit...hurt me...I can't feel a thing...I'm fucking numb already from the previous forms of pain I've been through...

How much more can I take...time will tell...if I let time run it's course, that is...I just might finnish it off any day now...just to piss everyone off...

Fuck it...laters...

New Year...New Bands...New Thoughts...

4/1 -08...Friday Evening...7:42 PM...

So, I had one of those "got to hear something new"-days yesterday...so, I went through some of my fave music-related-pages (lastfm and so)...and within a few moments I had found a bunch of new cool bands to go through...

Well, the first band wasn't really my own discovery, but, that one I did find through a friend, cuz, she was listening to them, so I checked them out and I really liked them:

Fjord Rowboat...sounds a lot like Catherine Wheel...good shegaze band...no, GREAT actually...

The Dear Hunter...Maybe a lil too pop for me, but, I like the storyidea they have created for this project...very indie-poppish...

Sidearm...a noizy rockband...more punkish...louder...interesting as well...

The Pirate Ship Quintet...an instrumental 8-piece band, lots of sounds and so...post-rockish...beautiful...different...

Bedhead...another indie, alternative, shoegaze band, lot of their songs start out quietly and builds up slowly to a more noizier "grand finale"...(not all of their songs, but some)...slowcore...?

Yeah, that's it...

It's been quite an intresting and boring day so far, (interseting in what way, I dunno)...I just sit and wait for the time to finally get to work...so I can waste my time there instead of here...

I need to get myself activated with other projects so that I can get "re-grouped"...it's a mess inside me right now, although, I think I'm getting it slowly organized to a more understandable chaos...but, it so easy to tear everything down again...and, I feel fragile...towards my feelings...towards how I act...towards everything that goes on in and around my life...

It's like I'm standing on a fragile foundation that is ready to fall down in bits under my feet...and me getting crushed underneath everything...whatever that means...

The year has sucked major dick so far...and, that's the most honest feeling I have about the whole situation right now...everything just fucking sucks...

Whatever...

Happy...?...New Year...

3/1 -08...3:36AM...Thursday Morning...

She's not in a relationship anymore...what can I make out of it...? Does it mean she's available...? Does it mean I can make a move on her...again...? No...it still means we're just friends...cuz, that's what we "agreed" on...but, do I still want her...Yeah, you bet...cuz, she's still, what I would call, the perfect match...we're different, yet, we're alike...I cannot and won't find anybody that close to my "ideal girlfriend material"...there's no chance...

But, damn do I wanna make out with her...somedays are just...geeez...climbing the walls...I just wanna have one of those conversations that we occasionally have, very open, no secrets, and just let go...I mean...the way she opens up for me sometimes, are just moments away from a true make-out session...but, it stops right before...and, at the same times, the looks in her eyes tells me something else, even though she told me something else...I think that she might feel she's tied to something she wasn't expecting to happen...

I have told her that she doesn't have to be afraid in my company...cuz, I will (I AM) respect(ing) her and her feelings towards me...but, it's difficult to just sit there sometimes...and look at her...man...you just get lost in those eyes...

I feel good about the fact that she knows that I love her, care about her and that she can talk to me about whatever she wants to, and, that whatever she says, will stay with me...and, I'm pretty sure that she knows that that "This guy is totally into me, but, he still gives me enough space to breathe and that makes him a great friend"...but, this friend wants so much more...hmmm...

I might come across somebody who has the perfect looks and so...but, she's into some really weird shit like R'n'B and Disco and stuff...or...I could find my ultimate Indie-chick, but then, instead, she's butt-ugly or, she's just too damn Indie for me...I dunno...have to figure this one out...

One things for sure...I'm gonna buy an guitar...electric one...after I get my paycheck (after Jan. 15:th)...Cort EVLK4...cheap, but looks good and I know how to make noize out of a guitar with those gadgets...Floyd Rose...I'm gonna take off the tremolo-bar, unscrew and take off the string-holders at the neck, take off the screws of the Floyd Rose "stable?"...play it clean...so that I can tune the guitar quickly if it needs down-tuning for the next song or so...

I have an puke-green Tokai Custom Edition (Green Manalishi, the given name)...but, it's back in the states...I hope to get it back this summer though...It's a sucky guitar, but I know how to make noize out of it, so...

Anyways...

Earlier today I spoke to one of my great ol' friends (from '82 an onward) lil brother...I have been chasing e-mail addys and contact info for the "some" last 2 years...and, I finally found an e-mail addy that actually lead somewhere...and, that was like 24 hours ago...and, now I know that "he's alive" and doing well...

Man, it's ages ago since I saw him...Summer of 1994...some 13+ years ago...and, we have like a bunch of shit to go through...he has 3 kids already...shit, I tell ya...he's been busy...heh...
Yeah, I need to get over there and meet him and so on...catch up on shit and stuff...after all, we've been friends for quite a while...and, we've done some weird ass shit back when we were younger...daymn...

I could go on...but...yeah...the new year is on already...2008...and, man, I'm gonna get myself in shape (mentally) and this is the year when I finally gonna make some changes to get things going again...that rockband is gonna happen...that girlfriend thingy is gonna happen...everything that I'm aspiring for, is gonna happen...I tell ya...

Word...

Laters...