Alone with Friends

0:22AM...Thursday morning...

Hmmm...I had a lil down some moments ago (actually still have)...I dunno how long I can handle being alone anymore...I need to redirect my energy towards something that isn't there yet...the energy is lingering around me right now, I'm suffocating and can't beat the demons out of my head...not until I can focus on something else...re-gain some power from a positive source, somebody who's ready to devote a part of her life to me...I need positive energy...soon...

Friends are OK...but, it isn't enough, not for me...not right now...I figured that part out just a few hours ago...being there with people you call friends, but, I just felt so alone, so empty, so nothing...nothing at all...I friggin suffered those few hours...I went to my own world...just faded out...no focus...alone...just so the time would pass faster...

I could've left any moment...I thought about it, to just leave...like that...but, that's like bailing out...not fighting against your problems...so, I stayed...and suffered...a few laughs...but, no...they felt so made-up...so, "I guess I have to show some emotions so that they think I'm listening"...I wasn't...I was in my own world...blurry...unfocused...I traveled away...just so that I could survive that last hour...

Man, it's fucked up...

Then again...when people start talking about things I don't have any connection with, that's what I do...go somewhere else...maybe I'll leave for real next time...we'll see...

Hmmm...I dunno...

Laters...

Happy, Happy...Joy, Joy...

3:40AM...Tuesday morning...

Got over the worst part of my dilemma...I feel alive again...and, I can just hope that the next few days will be as positive as the last hours/days has been...

To be THAT close of doing something really stupid, was one of the weirdest experiences I've been through...for a moment, I was so calm...my body was really ready to go to the next level...and, for a second I was so calm and concentrated about what was gonna happen next in this situation that has evolved out of nothing...I wasn't shaking, no nothing...just that calm "do it" feeling...

It wasn't until a few moments later, I kinda "woke up" from this "invisible grasp", that I started to shake for real...and I could not stop for a few mintes...it was like having an lighter epileptic fit...your hands are just shaking for nothing and all you can do is to stand and stare at it happening...and breath...calmly...and, eventually it'll stop or at least slow down so that you can function somewhat normally again...

I can finally relate to people who commit suicide and why they're doing it in an "stupid" situation...becuz they got overwhelmed by this calm "do it" feeling...nothing in the world, but yourself, can stop you at this point...and, a lot of people who experience this calmness, they go ahead and finnish what they started...unfourtunately...

Having that said, I hope to be able to move on...at least it's in here, written in my own words...the experience I don't wish on anyone...except maybe a few handpicked nutheads in the world...

Anyways...

In my darkness...I tried to live on as "normal" as possible...(yeah, locking yourself in your apartment and not going out for a few days, that's normal, ask any hardcore computer-nerd or WoW-player)...and, I did manage to discover some new shit after all...I guess you just start to focus on stupid things so that you can move on...and not get locked up on your on-going dilemma...

Joy Disaster...a postpunk band from France...sounds like a mash-up of Joy Division, Interpol and IKON...very cool dark punkish sound...

Sub-Division...a band from US (or Mexico, haven't really figured this one out yet)...or...mexican citizens in LA (something like that)...they sound little like Yeah, Yeah, Yeahs one minute and then you hear influences of the aforementioned bands of Joy Division and Interpol...and maybe even an Velvet Undergroundish idea over the whole thingy...

Sidewaytown...a one-man band from Germany...and they sound a lil like The Butterfly Explosion...shoegaze style...very dreamy but also rocking in other tunes...(already discovered this band a few weeks earlier, but, yeah)...

Oh well, something like that...I dunno...just a bunch of bands that sounds a bit similar in one way and totally different when you start to tear down the bricks one by one...

Now...I really hope I can re-connect with my dear friend (who's mentioned a lil bit everywhere in these blog pages)...and, I think I can deal with the situation after all...even though it still feels kinda hard to see her with someone else...but, the guy she's with, is also a good friend of mine, and, if she's gonna pick anyone, that she wants to have a deeper relationship with, it would be him...and, no, I'm not jumping up and down of total joyness...

I'm still crying inside, but, I have managed to calm down my feelings...at least the really hardcore "loving" (as partner) feelings...and have a much more patient approach when I hang out with her (as in, being just a good friend)...it's hard...it's still "work under progress"...but, I think I can get through this...

Man, looking straight into her eyes when talking to her is fucking difficult...but, I'll continue look in her eyes, becuz I'm not gonna spoil what we have over some stupid mental issues that I'm going through...it's not worth it...and she's one of the few (only one) who can still make me feel good, ease my pain, just by showing up...yeah...I love her...I always will...but she's way too important for me...for me to screw things up between us...I just have to accept the situation that lays before me and live with it...or move on...like, totally get out of here...but, I know this place too well to move already...and I've already done that...hmmm...

The point being...I have good (great?) friends here...maybe the best bunch of people that has been around me, ever...I guess I just don't see it...or, I'm blocking out the positive vibes, I get sent towards me, unintentionally...I have been a loner through-out the biggest part of my life (like, all the time)...I've only had a few best friends...so, being among a large group of people (friends), makes me feel really uncomfortable, and I guess I go into some kind of defensive mode, unintenionally...

...and, then again...for the first time in my life, I crave love...that is weird...cuz, I've gone so long without having a companion...Yeah, I got married, but, thinking of it now, maybe it was way too hasty, not really true loving feelings involved in there after all, even though I still love my (still married) X, but, yeah, as a friend, we have a special bonding (for life) and we do share a whack net-love story...man, can't wait to see her again after these years...

I just want to have somebody to love and hold on to and do things with...somebody I can spoil...somebody who drops everything she's doing when she sees me...somebody who, without being too damn clingy, likes to give spontanious hugs, out of the blue, just becuz...somebody that I can cuddle up with a dark night, watching a movie...somebody I can take to places where I've been...somebody that I can learn from...somebody who can live with my weird moods...somebody who holds me in her arms during difficult times...somebody who has her own story to tell...somebody who's not afraid to voice her opinion...somebody who goes "man, this is some good shit" when I throw in a Sonic Youth CD...somebody who goes "I wanna fuck you" when I throw in a Joy Division CD...somebody who likes to dress up for me...somebody who I can enjoy the rest of my life with...where are you...?

One hour gone...

Enough is enough...laters...

Time To Move On...

21/12 -07...00:26AM...

Yesterday was not a good day...I can't say that today is any better...at least I know more now than I did earlier...and the answers I got, may not be the ones I wanted to hear...but I now know it's time to move on...tomorrow is a new day, and I'm not gonna look back anymore...

I'm over with my past...I need to regroup and move on...fucking get my shit back togheter again...be what I always wanted to be...do what I always wanted to do...fuck everyone and everybody...no strings attached...just be a fucking dog all night long...I'm gonna be your GOD...

Fucking focus already...see the fucking light...no need to be happy, just kill the time the best way possible...own the fucking world...it's NOT for sale...you can't afford it anyways...fucker...

The year started out so fucking great...and ended up so fucking dreadfully...everything just fucking sucks...now, if you gonna suck...suck my fucking cock...already...cuz, I'm done...I'm ready to move on...from this...whatever it was...if it ever was...

Kill it off...once and for all...never be a part of me...waste it...taste it...don't fucking touch me...eat me...leave me...leave me alone...just leave me...just let me be...alone...like I'm used to...like I always am...no need to kill me...I'll just sit and wait here...loneliness will kill me...like it always do...

Tomorrow...alone...forever...never...again...

I died a painful dead...now I'm free...

Another Enjoyable Moment of Fuck-Ups...

19/12 -07...21:37PM...

Dunno where this rant leads...but, here it goes...

Sometimes in life you run into things that you're not supposed to see in the first place or that you just don't wanna know about...becuz, seeing or knowing, would shread your heart in a split second...

In a few hours I will enter day number 3 with these feelings...

Today is a day that people go out and celebrate a mini-christmas here in Sweden...more or less...it's supposed to be a happy moment for everyone...but...as always (getting way to used to this alredy) I'm out of the loop before it even starts...

The past day I have really hated everything, especially myself, the person who I've become, and all the moments I have experienced in my life...cuz, when you think you're about to head towards something good, the fall-doors open and you go right through them...down...down...down...you'll never hit the ground...you just fall...deeper and deeper...and there's no ending...becuz, when you think you're about to get above the ground, you slip again...

I fucking hate this...I have never been this suicidal before...but for the past hours (and even the past months) I have been thinking of just fucking end everything...I should write all the ways, to kill oneself, down, so that I can see how many weird ways I have figured out to waste ones life so far...

So many people I've loved...the difficulty being, why don't I get that love back...(man, this one struck my heart totally, I'm breaking down as we're speaking)...I just can't figure out what the fuck is wrong with me...I'm the greatest fucking friend you can ever have...but that love part...naaah...save it for someone else...cuz I'm not even an option in that department...I never was...I never will...I'm just a fucking friend...not a friend to fuck...just a friend...a fucking non-fucked friend...

I'll take a bullet for you...anyday...just so that I can move as soon as possible...
I'll pick a fight with someone who has a gun...just so that he can waste my life as soon as possible...
I want it to be quick...
I'll drive 180mph into a rock face next to the highway...no seatbelt on....just so that I can see the color of my brain run down the rock face just before I pass on to the next level...

Why even bother go on for a another 40-something years with the pain I'm already carrying with me...and that I have carried for way too long already...

I'm afraid that I'll miss out on something in the end...I wanna see the end...but, when I'm finally there...my final words will be something like "I told you so"...as in, nothing fucking happened anyways...I should've ended it right here, right now...

Man in hurts...I dunno how long I can go on with this pain...for real...I'm taking it day by day...but...as further we go...I seem to cut down the time to hour by hour...minute by minute...cuz, I just don't know what I'm up to the next moment anymore...maybe I'll find the guts to move on...maybe not...

I'm just so fucking tired of everything already...it won't get better than this...it never will...it never wont...my life was never meant to be easy....man I must've been a true motherfucker in my previous life...I think I've past a hurdle, but, it keeps popping up right ahead of me all the time...the same fucking hurdle...over and over and over again...

What the fuck have I done to deserve this shit...?

I'm almost there...yet, it's a long way to go...

Don't feel sorry for me...I wonder if you've ever done anyways...

I have enough demons inside of me to keep me busy for the next decades...

Help me get back on track if you ever cared aout me...I'll slip out of it soon though...

Love sure tore us apart...

The End...