Happy, Happy...Joy, Joy...

3:40AM...Tuesday morning...

Got over the worst part of my dilemma...I feel alive again...and, I can just hope that the next few days will be as positive as the last hours/days has been...

To be THAT close of doing something really stupid, was one of the weirdest experiences I've been through...for a moment, I was so calm...my body was really ready to go to the next level...and, for a second I was so calm and concentrated about what was gonna happen next in this situation that has evolved out of nothing...I wasn't shaking, no nothing...just that calm "do it" feeling...

It wasn't until a few moments later, I kinda "woke up" from this "invisible grasp", that I started to shake for real...and I could not stop for a few mintes...it was like having an lighter epileptic fit...your hands are just shaking for nothing and all you can do is to stand and stare at it happening...and breath...calmly...and, eventually it'll stop or at least slow down so that you can function somewhat normally again...

I can finally relate to people who commit suicide and why they're doing it in an "stupid" situation...becuz they got overwhelmed by this calm "do it" feeling...nothing in the world, but yourself, can stop you at this point...and, a lot of people who experience this calmness, they go ahead and finnish what they started...unfourtunately...

Having that said, I hope to be able to move on...at least it's in here, written in my own words...the experience I don't wish on anyone...except maybe a few handpicked nutheads in the world...

Anyways...

In my darkness...I tried to live on as "normal" as possible...(yeah, locking yourself in your apartment and not going out for a few days, that's normal, ask any hardcore computer-nerd or WoW-player)...and, I did manage to discover some new shit after all...I guess you just start to focus on stupid things so that you can move on...and not get locked up on your on-going dilemma...

Joy Disaster...a postpunk band from France...sounds like a mash-up of Joy Division, Interpol and IKON...very cool dark punkish sound...

Sub-Division...a band from US (or Mexico, haven't really figured this one out yet)...or...mexican citizens in LA (something like that)...they sound little like Yeah, Yeah, Yeahs one minute and then you hear influences of the aforementioned bands of Joy Division and Interpol...and maybe even an Velvet Undergroundish idea over the whole thingy...

Sidewaytown...a one-man band from Germany...and they sound a lil like The Butterfly Explosion...shoegaze style...very dreamy but also rocking in other tunes...(already discovered this band a few weeks earlier, but, yeah)...

Oh well, something like that...I dunno...just a bunch of bands that sounds a bit similar in one way and totally different when you start to tear down the bricks one by one...

Now...I really hope I can re-connect with my dear friend (who's mentioned a lil bit everywhere in these blog pages)...and, I think I can deal with the situation after all...even though it still feels kinda hard to see her with someone else...but, the guy she's with, is also a good friend of mine, and, if she's gonna pick anyone, that she wants to have a deeper relationship with, it would be him...and, no, I'm not jumping up and down of total joyness...

I'm still crying inside, but, I have managed to calm down my feelings...at least the really hardcore "loving" (as partner) feelings...and have a much more patient approach when I hang out with her (as in, being just a good friend)...it's hard...it's still "work under progress"...but, I think I can get through this...

Man, looking straight into her eyes when talking to her is fucking difficult...but, I'll continue look in her eyes, becuz I'm not gonna spoil what we have over some stupid mental issues that I'm going through...it's not worth it...and she's one of the few (only one) who can still make me feel good, ease my pain, just by showing up...yeah...I love her...I always will...but she's way too important for me...for me to screw things up between us...I just have to accept the situation that lays before me and live with it...or move on...like, totally get out of here...but, I know this place too well to move already...and I've already done that...hmmm...

The point being...I have good (great?) friends here...maybe the best bunch of people that has been around me, ever...I guess I just don't see it...or, I'm blocking out the positive vibes, I get sent towards me, unintentionally...I have been a loner through-out the biggest part of my life (like, all the time)...I've only had a few best friends...so, being among a large group of people (friends), makes me feel really uncomfortable, and I guess I go into some kind of defensive mode, unintenionally...

...and, then again...for the first time in my life, I crave love...that is weird...cuz, I've gone so long without having a companion...Yeah, I got married, but, thinking of it now, maybe it was way too hasty, not really true loving feelings involved in there after all, even though I still love my (still married) X, but, yeah, as a friend, we have a special bonding (for life) and we do share a whack net-love story...man, can't wait to see her again after these years...

I just want to have somebody to love and hold on to and do things with...somebody I can spoil...somebody who drops everything she's doing when she sees me...somebody who, without being too damn clingy, likes to give spontanious hugs, out of the blue, just becuz...somebody that I can cuddle up with a dark night, watching a movie...somebody I can take to places where I've been...somebody that I can learn from...somebody who can live with my weird moods...somebody who holds me in her arms during difficult times...somebody who has her own story to tell...somebody who's not afraid to voice her opinion...somebody who goes "man, this is some good shit" when I throw in a Sonic Youth CD...somebody who goes "I wanna fuck you" when I throw in a Joy Division CD...somebody who likes to dress up for me...somebody who I can enjoy the rest of my life with...where are you...?

One hour gone...

Enough is enough...laters...