Kill the Demon

6:37AM...Thursday morning...

I feel much better now than I did some 12 hours ago...
That back there was some really deep shit...I haven't felt like that in a long time, if ever...I've been depressed for a reason before...but this was just weird...like I wasn't me anymore...like my body have been abducted by an outer lifeform (of some sort, earthwise or alienwise)...

Anyways...some of the reasons that did lighten up my mood and spirits within hours was the following:
I'm a member of various communities on the net and on one of these, I have made a simple comment to a "wrong-spelling" the previous day...well, the author of that wrong-spelling answered my reply and that reply made me crack up in laugh...I so neede that laugh...it was so spontaneous and freed up a lot of that heavy weight I was carrying...

The second part was even better...my dear girl friend MSN'd me and asked "have you stopped replying on my SMS's lately?"...and from there on our conversation was more open and spontanious than it has been for a long time...she seemed so geniunly happy for some reason and that came off to me as well...and that even though she was busy with something else on the side...she took time to answer me and made me feel good about myself...and she didn't even know how I was feeling earlier in the day, cuz I didn't tell...but, from there on...my day was done...I was back on track again...I was feeling fine with everything again...and the biggest reason was my dear girl friend...I hope we can have talks like that in the future...propably one of the best chats I've had in a long time...that meant something more than just a chat...even though we didn't say anything important at all...it was just that very communication that felt so right at the moment...

Well...whatever it really was in the long run, that happened inside of me...I managed to kill the demon off...with a lil help from my friends...and I feel much better about everything now...
But, even though I could go ahead and delete that blog down there, I won't...cuz I think it's important to see for you self the scary side of you...and maybe you can get more help from your friends that have a more outer form of view at you...you know...they see you for who you are and they can maybe even analyze the situation much better than me myself can, while my head is in total chaos...damn, that didn't make much sense...I hope you understand anyways...cuz I don't...

Now...even though I feel better...I think I don't...cuz I'm tryin to kill off the flu since about 2 hours ago...(it's 7AM now, had this feeling since 5AM)...so, now I'm sick in a different way...the more suckier way...or, well...they both suck kinda bad... I should be in bed, and I will, in a few minutes...

Anyways...It's good to know that there are people out there that can bare with me and my friggin issues (or they play the game very well, not letting me know how they REALLY feel about me and my issues)...and that's why I really would like to find someone who can bare with this guy and his "problems"...cuz, I think that THAT is one of the problems...loneliness...I need someone to fill that spot...before I really do something stupid and regretable...I have some major mood swings some days...and the other days I have control over them (I think)...

Well, I think recognizing your "issues" is the biggest step to getting better...but, I have had these ups and downs for quite awhile...sometimes very shallow...some other times much deeper and more noticeable for others...even though I try to keep it inside of me most of the time...I don't wanna show it to people when I feel bad...a fake smile will do...and inside I'm just ripping, shreading and tearing apart to bits...

If you have got this far and survived through this rant...and maybe even learned something about me (or yourself)...then you're a real friend of mine...and those do not grow on trees...

Thanks for bareing with me through this one...it'll be better ones soon...

Laters...